Excuse me, You Dropped Something

We all know them — name droppers and truth stretchers.

They don't buy kitchen appliances, they buy Sub-Zero refrigerators and Wolfe professional ranges. They always know some famous person's best friend's ex-wife's cousin. But to their way of thinking, they're an introduction away from being the famous person's best friend.

I know a guy who's actually very, very sweet. However, he holds the Gold Medal for name dropping/truth stretching stories; other name droppers bow to his superiority.

He's my age (translation – old), and is still working in his chosen profession as a musician and actor. I applaud his tenacity, and in fact, he makes a living doing what he loves. He must, as he hasn't mentioned any other job. Then again, he probably wouldn't admit having a menial job.

To hear him tell it, he's always a day away from making his hit record. He actually told me that he met Kenny Loggins' nephew's best friend's girlfriend's brother in law, Greg, and they've been working in the studio.

Any day now, old Kenny should be by to help out, and "lay down a few vocal tracks." That is, if Kenny happens to be in the vicinity of the basement of a 75-year old tract house in rural Pennsylvania and doesn't mind the cornucopia of cats that have taken up residence in the subterranean studio.

I also have an actress acquaintance, who I almost always run into while I'm shopping – while the family is waiting in the car. She, too, is always right on the brink of being discovered.

 I ran into her at the beginning of one of our snow storms this year, and was anxious to get home before the snow began to cover the roads. I swear she had radar, because her back was to me, then she suddenly swiveled around and zeroed in on my position.

To my chagrin, she spotted me right before I could dive behind a Coke display like a frightened rabbit. Even as our eyes locked, I was trying to locate an escape route, but I'd been snared.

I tried to point out that the snow is really piling up out there, so we'd better get moving. But name droppers have a way of working their inflated stories into just about any scenario.

My friend, let's call her Martha, saw that opportunity and like the champion name dropper she is, used it to say, "Oh, I know. I hope the roads are cleared by tomorrow, since I'm nervous that my shoot is going to be cancelled."

I tried to choose my words carefully, since I knew that what I said next would shape the next 10 minutes of my future. And failed miserably.

She was going to New York for her role in a popular cop drama that she'd been on before. She'd guest-starred so many times, she was sure she was going to get a leading role any day now. To hear her tell it, she was the lead prosecutor, using her grit and determination to coax a confession out of the guilty defendant.

When the credits rolled, however, she was "woman in crowd."  She'd also guest-starred as "woman in elevator." Still, for that fleeting moment, she was in the show, and you can't take that away from her.

Name-droppers can take a completely routine activity and turn it into a loquacious lollapalooza.

For example, a normal person would relate, "I was driving to the store when I got a call on my cell. It was my son's friend telling me that Boy had just left his house and was going to swing by school before driving home this weekend".

 A name-dropper/truth stretcher, however, will say, "I was driving the Benz to Saks Fifth Avenue, when I got a call on my Goldstriker iPhone 3GS Supreme. It was Boy's friend, Connor Cruise, Tom Cruise's son, who said that Boy had just left the Hampton House. He was going to stop by his dorm at Harvard, then was going to take the private jet home."

Too bad that in reality, Connor Cruise never heard of him. Well, maybe his cousin's best friend's sister's nephew did.

 Of course, there's also another side to that spectrum – your redneck relative. The story would sound more like this -- "I was coaxing the El Camino to the Wal-Mart, when my Trac-phone rang (luckily, I'd just loaded $5 on it). It was Boy's parole officer, who said that he'd just left the halfway house and was on his way to pawn his watch. He should have enough money to get a Greyhound ticket home this weekend. He wanted to know if we'd moved the trailer or if we were still in the same place."

See what I mean? Although, frankly, you've got to love redneck honesty.

The thing is, pretty much all of us has an inner name dropper/truth stretcher, dying to get out (or who tend to use big words such as "loquacious" to appear smarter than they are). Thankfully, we can shut them up with a quick glance at our credit card bill. It reminds us that keeping up with the name-droppers is expensive.

On the bright side, the name-dropper is a good source of amusement; the stories after an encounter with one are usually priceless. Add to that the fact that they value your opinion of them, and, hey, winner, winner, chicken dinner!

You can follow Tamara Kells, The Brunette Lucy, on Facebook.