Tales of Watching Too Much Home Shopping

I admit it – I'm a home shopping fiend. I'm constantly turning on QVC or HSN during the commercials of whatever program I'm watching.

Usually, if what was being sold wasn't jewelry (ooh, sparkly, sparkly jewelry) I'd change the channel. Much to Matt's dismay, however, I've moved on. I've stopped limiting my purchases to glittery baubles.

However, there are some baffling items being hocked on televised shopping channels these days.

One of them is a unique phenomenon -- celebrities debuting their fragrance on air. If there's a bigger oxymoron on the planet, I'd like to hear it since to my knowledge, smell o' vision hasn't been invented yet. Seriously, isn't it a bit like explaining colors to a blind person?

Yet I was intrigued.

The celebrity launched into her description of the fragrance, called something like "Mystique." Apparently, it will complete my life. She began to weave her spell over me.

"There's a base note of vanilla with a delicate combination of cinnamon and other earthy spices as the middle notes," she began, "then it's highlighted by a light scent of lemon, making a crisp final note."

Maybe I'm not sophisticated enough, but to me, it sounds like I'm going to smell like a Cinnabon with a Sprite chaser.

Don't worry men, the shopping channels haven't ignored your very own good- smelling cologne needs! The only difference is that they call them more practical names. Names like "New Car Smell."

The other day I turned on a shopping channel, just in time to see a woman selling a revolutionary break through in bedding. What was the new wonder product? A fitted sheet with the bed skirt attached to it, so you don't have to lift the mattress to attach the skirt.

I have never in my life put a bed skirt on any bed for any reason, even when I was in my 20's and had the energy. I've always thought of them as expensive ways to hide what was under the bed. That and they're stellar dust harbingers.

I solved that problem all these years by purchasing large bedspreads that can be thrown over the bed, reaching the floor in less than five seconds. No need to lift a mattress.

Add to that the fact that we have a soft side water bed, so using bed skirts has been pretty impossible. Still, I was intrigued.

 The spokeswoman was asking things like, "Have you ever seen anything like it?" I was thinking, why, no, I have NOT seen anything like it.

She continued, "Just look at how silky it feels, as it drapes seamlessly over the sides of the bed." I nodded in silent approval.

"Once you get this home, you're going to wonder how you ever lived without it." Why, yes, I'm thinking that right now! Where's the phone?

 Thank goodness Matt had just given me the "speech" about my spending habits, or I would be anxiously awaiting my linens and my very first bed skirt.

He patiently explained that credit cards aren't supposed to smoke from over use. Who knew? OK, well, I knew that. I just ignored it.

For men, they sell tools for every job imaginable and electronic gizmos that you can't find anywhere else! And, everything comes with a money back guarantee.

They just don't mention that the guarantee doesn't cover the price of shipping your handy little gadget back to them in the event that it turns out you actually can live without it.

They sell elaborate computer systems and plasma TVs big enough to cover an entire wall. They're fond of telling you that you won't be able to find this particular 68-inch TV in any store. You can, however, buy its sister that has identical features, but only has a 66-inch screen. 

The thing is, what good is an exclusive TV, with its super low price, when it's going to cost you almost $100 to ship it to your home? Especially when you consider the fact that you can buy just about the same set at the Wal-Mart just down the road. Its sister and her microscopic size difference aren't so ugly anymore now.  

They promote easy payment plans, and tout the fact that unlike layaway, you'll have the product in your home as you pay for it. Let's forget the fact that technology changes just about every second. By the time you've paid for your handy electronic device, it's obsolete.

I've purchased what have been touted as "breakthrough" cosmetics more times than I care to admit.

There was the time I was told that I need eyelashes that are so long, I'd swear they were fake. So, I purchased the "system." It came with fibers that adhered to a miracle mascara that would make me look like I had false eyelashes.

I watched in awe as the saleswoman applied the wonder product to her model's skimpy eyelashes and voila – her eyelashes seemed to have grown right before my very eyes.

When I got it home, however, I ended up with the fibers in my eyes and all over my face. Not to be outsmarted by a tube of fibers, I went at it again. The end result was a clumpy mangled mess of supposed "eyelashes" that looked more like tarantulas attacking my face.

I purchased "bulletproof" makeup that was supposed to last until you took it off. I guess if those bullets were made out of marshmallows, then I could get on board. For me, however, after a phone conversation, I was unhappy to see that most of my bulletproof makeup had been transferred to the phone, leaving half my face naked.

I know that just because a sales person claims that a product is going to do this or that, doesn't mean that it will. But there's a part of all of us that's very human – we really want to believe in underdogs and miracle products.

We root for devices that claim to do the impossible, even though our mothers' words are ringing in our ears – if something's too good to be true, it probably is. And sometimes, a little David creation comes along and really does defeat Goliath. Sometimes. Hope springs eternal, thank goodness.

Still, no matter how many speeches Matt's had to give me about my home shopping habits, I hate to admit that I'm still addicted. The anticipation of awaiting some package or another is thrilling.

Well, that is until Matt intercepts the mail and comes into the house, waiving a box above his head as he bellows, "Lucy, you've got some 'splainin' to do!"