Moving Mountains to Move Mom

Moving can be a stressful event, even if we are excited about the imminent change.  Moving for our aging parents, especially under the stress of losing a spouse, worsening health issues or the inability to continue living in a beloved home, can be a huge strain.  How is the task of moving our parents seen from our grown children's eyes?

For many grown children, the largest hurdle is having parents accept the fact that a move is needed. Many parents postpone making decisions and then become unable to manage their home during the delay.  One grown child I consulted with was amazed at how long it took her mother to accept the inevitability of a move and to start with small tasks.  Her mother seemed to move at a slow pace, becoming exhausted simply considering the financial and emotional implications of leaving a home of fifty years and of accepting that her husband, now in a nursing home, would not return home.  All through this painful process, the grown children may feel helpless that their advice is unheeded, angry that they are managing this transition, and frustrated that a competent parent now seems unable to make decisions.

Often, the paralysis that seems to strike a parent in the beginning of the moving process may suddenly shift into an unexplained push to purge the home of items.  Many grown children suddenly find that cherished childhood items, even those that he or she expresses an interest in keeping, are being auctioned or tossed in a
dumpster. 

What helps the grown children in this transition?  One suggestion is to walk through the home, before the packing and purging begins, and take photos of each room and of favorite outside areas.  Some chose to make photo albums of the home.  Speaking up about which items the grown child would like and being prepared to take them at that time can reduce the pain of missing out on items.  Calling in extra help such as professional organizers,  senior move managers,
housecleaners and junk-removal companies can reduce the pressure on the grown
child and can assist the parent in a more objective way.  The grown child may be mourning the home and memories and may not be able to offer support or to rationally make decisions.  Bringing in a parent's friends to help can offer support from those who know the parent well and may be able to challenge or support the parent in a way that the grown child cannot.  Taking care of oneself becomes crucial when long days of packing and emotional overwhelm loom and might help reduce the likelihood of arguments.  Getting enough food, water and rest or even a shower might sound like fulfilling basic needs for a grown child but are often neglected during a move. 

Moving is inevitable for all of us at some point, but, for those of us who now feel responsible for own parents' welfare and safety, it can be an extraordinary task.  Seeking help can reduce this burden and make the change a more comforting one for everyone involved.