At What Temperature Does Your Blood Boil?

When I see the success of others why does my blood boil? Well is blood boiling really the proper word? Seeing others gain success certainly makes my heart beat quicker but I would say the first word that comes to my mind is how I feel like a loser. A failure, the kind of guy the universe works against.  It’s not a jealous feeling when others find success, I think about how I have ‘good’ jobs, reasonable values and a notable amount of self-worth. I guess the best way to explain how it feels is inside me is that straight road I once was sure I was on, twist and contorts like Linda Blair’s head in the Exorcist. That road is now made of wrong ways, U turns and one-way streets that are all jumbled together.   That once sound world I was in I now realize was far more fragile than I ever thought and that just doesn’t make my blood boil, it annoys and scares me.  Now that’s what for lack of a better word makes my blood boil. The idea that no how much I accomplish I just can’t figure out why I don’t feel better about myself. My mind runs wild wondering about if I will have enough money to live off of as I look for any indicators that this undertaking is my destiny, but mostly I stress about getting to the next step. A step where I can finally release that gobbled air inside me that is just eating away my insides and probably causing cancer.

My blood boils because I don’t learn to cherish my own strides and appreciate what I have done.

Nope.

I focus on what I haven’t done or need to do. I know life is NOW. What boils my blood is that I always think in the now but what I don’t have. I forget about the work behind the successes I have already had. Instead I imagine a world where the person I see getting success is living and breathing their passion that allows them the life I so desperately fight for. But how hard do I fight?

I hung a picture of me on my fridge and I thought ‘that was a different me, I knew what I wanted but sat around waiting for it to find me.’ Which I swore just as a pigs belly is bacon that it would. I thought right after about what I have done since that picture was taken, 8 years of memories in .6 seconds. ‘Now this is me. The only difference is I go out and find the life I want.’  Sure it’s hard, highs and lows, excitement followed by sudden disappoint but it’s adventurous and journey-tastic and I am addicted to it. It’s a life I choose because I can’t think of myself for existing other then this dream, the one I used to only daydream about.  When I daydreamed about my dream it was different. I pictured being more content and less worried. What makes my blood boil is how I feel at times like a buffalo walking in ice, he can see the land that he wants and now just needs to figure out the steps to walking on ice.

What boils my blood is how living my dream is like having an empty hole in a ground where a massive skyscraper is supposed to be standing.  I forget at times I have to pour the foundation, design the building, put up the walls and plumbing, put on a roof. And for anyone who has worked in construction knows nothing goes as planned.

When it doesn’t go as planned I revert back to my insecure self and summon the me 5 years ago. I go back to what I did when I was lost. Go out for a drink. Spend money. Eat. I revert back to my habits that gave me temporary comfort. I am too easily convinced I am a failure who will never figure things out. But no matter what I am feeling on my inside I don’t show that to others because I fear it will make me look weak.  On the outside I keep doing me, it’s a cheesy, overplayed statement that frustrates me to say because that means I have to understand the me I want. However, even if I am not sure of myself I do know the race of life is long. Those ideas and dream I have, they are important to me. Don’t they deserve to be played out? I think I either live my dream or someone else’s, and the later doesn’t fit right for me.

What boils my blood is regret.  Regret sucks, that’s my motivator now when I fall down or I keep tripping over my feet. I want to know that on my deathbed I can think, this was a hell of a life, I did that one thing that scared me and it felt great. What makes my blood boil is when I think of how my parents didn’t do what they wanted in life. I don’t know what they thought in their final moments, but it boils my blood that they had to go before I found out.

What calms my boiling blood is how at the end of the day I never give up on me.  I have to understand some days will be more productive than others. Understand I may not feel as content as I thought I would but I feel more confident and accomplished than I ever thought I would. When I break down my thought process and reasoning behind why my blood really boils it’s not the success of others, being scared of failing or not finding my place in life.  The only thing that really gets my blood boiling is how I am trying to always prove myself to my parents and how I will never get that closure. I will never stop chasing the impossible, what makes my blood boil is how I want the one thing I can’t have. So in the meantime I will keep staying blind to how I can’t hear them say they are proud of me and keep loving my passion expecting to one day hear those words and always being disappointed when I don’t.

Life can’t be mapped out, you dig at the ‘X’ to find the gold and you think ‘where is the next X.’

-Happy reading