Future Predictions, Melted Wax and Smoking Grass

As you may remember in my last blog, I had a “situation” with my beloved weed wacker, so the next day I took a break from landscaping and went for a long drive. While driving on the freeway, I saw a sign, my sign, it read, “The spirits have a message for you, pull over now, and find your answers for only $35." Readers, please do not judge me, the woman was offering a special rate and was jumping up and down with my sign directing me to pull over, and I did.

I veered off the highway going about 75 miles per hour. Who knew how my (divorce transition) Hyundai would handle my spontaneity, mechanically? Damn! So, I lost a rim or two but no worries; I was going to get answers to my pressing questions such as, “When will I have landscapers again?”  and “Will I have a minivan again?” I miss my minivan. There, I said it.

I pulled up to Madam Reefer’s (MR) card table and put down my window, thank goodness my reading was drive-thru style because MR’S psychic center was planted alongside the breakdown lane. Before I had a chance to turn off my engine, MR said to me, “I can see that you are in a hurry and that your life is in the fast lane.”

“Wow you’re good,” I said. She looked deeply into my eyes and said to me, “You have three children.”

 “No. I have two,” I said.

“No. You have three,” MR said.

“No. I have two,” I said. 

“Okay,” she said, while waving crystal beads over my head. “You’re meant to have three children, and three you will have,” MR said.

“I have two children, I will be 46 soon, I’m going into my “final woman-moon phase," and there’s NO DADDY!

"How’s that going to happen?” I said. Not only did she ignore me, but also I swear that gypsy called me a witch, as she chanted at me.  

“Your chakras are blocked. Not good,” said MR.

“Look MR,” I said, in my Italian voice, "my chakras are on sabbatical right now."

“I have something special that will unlocked your closed heart,” said MR. 

“My heart is not closed, a little tattered, yes, but not closed,” I said.

MR lifted her plastic tablecloth up and pulled out a 3-inch red candle shaped as a man with a wick attached to its head.

“Here, take this candle, bring it home, light it, and watch it completely melt. Then your third child will come,” MR said.

“No third child!” I said. Then I paused. Oh, what the hell, I thought, she’s the professional. I gave in and told her I would take the candle.

MR said, “The candle is $300.” I told her that I could get the same candle in bulk from the Oriental Trading Company for $5.

MR said to me, “Give me $35, and leave! Leave now, and fast! No third child for you!!!” she said.

I gave her the money and as I pulled back onto the highway I saw a bumper sticker that read, “Landscapers are Wacked and Really Dig Grass.”

I took that as another sign, came home, and hugged my weed wacker — “my third child,” I thought. MR was right.