Juggling Chainsaws

How much of life is working against you? How much of life is you working against yourself? Causing friction in you. How much control do you have?  None?  Some?  Or are you the type that thinks life is a burden, always giving you curve balls and never a break?

I was at home, sitting, trying to work.  My mind wasn’t letting me work!  Now what? Don't work all day? I've had enough days off I think.  I would tell myself to stop being lazy, that’s my first reaction to not being able to work. Be hard on myself, it never works, but I always seem to slip into that mindset.  I feel if I don't get one word, one sentence on the paper I'm a failure. I look around, waiting, rather hoping that this will pass in an instant. Growing with frustration at my inability to work. This isn't the first time and won’t be the last. Sometimes you just feel unmotivated to do anything at all.

I think about going to the gym. Taking a jog. Maybe rest in my hammock. All things I know that will lift me from this slump. But why don't I leap at them if I understand they are my answers to my dilemma?

I feel it's because life is stubbornness.  I understand my needs, what I’m able to do, but there is this struggle where I feel like I must prove to myself I can keep going. I feel like it’s when you take a jog, you reach this breaking point in your mind, where you want to stop.  You may not even be tired, you just want to stop.  I tell myself on my jog, ‘why stop jogging, it will only take you longer to get home!  You are not even tired.’  I think that as my legs slowly turn from a jog to a walk.

You push yourself, challenge yourself, what you think and feel.  It can apply to grief, stress all avenues of life. From writers block to jogging to being indecisive. We all reach that moment when every moment after just feels like a struggle, but do you understand how to act?

Sometimes you need a break from yourself. That was part of my battle with grief, depression and anxiety. Not understanding what I needed. Rather I would get mad for not doing the things I thought I needed. Life comes easier at times when you pace yourself and understand you. Brain freeze, unmotivated, try a gym, talk to a person or just be active. I’m aware at times these ‘distractions’ may seem like insurmountable tasks, but getting started is the hardest. It's all mental. When you go back to that task, you will find it amazing how well you work. Grief and depression suck and weigh you down.  Make your mind think horrible thoughts about your own value and worth that just aren’t true. I believe to combat those emotions you must know yourself and understand how you operate and what you need and when. I got turned on to this style of self-awareness when I was struggling to complete a school paper, just grinding my gears.  Each part of the paper I had to write, in my view got worse and worse.  I was so engrossed in the idea of finishing this paper that I didn’t think of anything but just trying to get done. Quality didn’t matter.  The more I wanted to finish the less that got done.  My mind wasn’t clear, it was globed up with degrading lingo that I would repeat in my head to try to encourage myself along.  My mom saw this frustration and told me to stop working and go to the gym.  The whole drive to the gym, hell getting ready to go pissed me off.  I didn’t want to go, I was so tired, low energy, I just wanted to rest, not do anything.  She forced me to go, I was annoyed  the whole way until I started working out. Sure enough, she was right, working out made me feel amazing.   I went home, felt energized, fresh new ideas came.  I finished the paper.

I would like to introduce you to my book I have just published now.  Many of the above tactics of taking breaks helped me save myself during the long and demanding writing process.  There were days when I worked for 12-15 hours writing.  Other times, I wouldn’t touch writing my book for days, left with just feeling guilty about not doing more.  But I didn’t rush, I paced myself, I understood that 12 hour work days would be better quality than pushing through 5, 3 hour work days, if that’s what I wanted.  That is my own perspective.  I still did what I needed to do, just when I was ready.  I have the idea of blind faith that if it is meant to be it will work out.

Please check out my book here.  Available exculsivy on Kindle.  (There are free kindle apps for your smartphone, tablet and computer)

You may have work to do this day, but you do your work, don’t let work work you.  It will all get done.

~Happy reading