~Mother's Day~

This is taken from the journal I write in every day. Today I sat at Madison Square Park drinking my iced coffee, looking around at all the people, today is Mother’s Day.

I woke up remembering it. I always remember the day, I just choose to ignore it. Well not ignore it, I just choose to be preoccupied doing anything I can to not stop moving. I don’t want to sit and think about Mother's Day, not today. I understand how I feel and will feel if I sit alone and just think today. I would think about all the breakfasts I used to have, the Mother's Day traditions that I didn’t appreciate until they were gone or in jeopardy of being lost. I don't wanna think about life after my father passed and what that did to Mother's Day either. To me, my Mother’s Day experiences over the past eight years have been impacted by cancer and sickness. Today I don't wanna think about cancer, sickness or Mother's Day. I don’t wanna think about how my mom must have felt after my dad passed away and she was alone on her first Mother's Day. How she felt while she was sick during Mother's Day. I don’t wanna think or remember today. I am not even sure I remember what I remember at times until it’s too late. I will take the pain the rest of the 364 days a year, but not this one day, please. I woke up today, each move I do feels forced, like I'm trying too hard to be normal. I used to try and celebrate my dad’s life on Father's Day or his birthday. Now, with time my old rituals have subsided. What I used to do was eat his favorite ice cream, coffee and watch movies he loved like The Warriors and Porky’s. Now I have made new traditions for these modern days, I have picked up a dying flame and breathed new life into what I do. I used to l lose control and went crazy for a little. Finding comfort in getting drunk and being absent minded while telling myself, "I am fine, I just want to drink today." I could tell myself any reason that I was drinking that day. I could try and convince myself of anything, but I could never pull the wool over my eyes, I was too in touch with my soul for that. Today though. I'm different. I feel like I have control on how I will make my day play out. I have now learned that even though I can't control life, I can control how I react to life. I know it's Mother's Day, I choose to ignore it because I don't miss her more one day than others, I miss her the same everyday. But what does change is the pain. It is more real on these days. I am sitting at the park right now, watching people with their moms. Seeing this makes me wanna hug her and kiss her check. On days like today, what I don’t have is thrown in my face and brings out the pain. It’s days like today I feel like I have a scar. Today my scar throbs with a certain ache and soreness. I used to try and make sense of why and what happened to my parents and my life. I used to look for answers after they were gone. You never stop grieving and missing, all that’s changed is now I have made seeking those answers into a part of me, part of my identity. Now I can sit while I miss my mom, miss my dad, miss my grandma and grandpa – not asking why they had to go but what I am supposed to do with their passing? I sit now knowing that I had more moments than many people and for that I will be forever grateful. I know my mom is with me. I miss my mom everyday, I am able to move on because there was so much love in my life that I know if she was here physically what I would be doing today. Being with her. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you. XoX

~Happy reading

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