The 'Sissy Test' Lives On...

The other day my daughter came home from school with a bandage on her hand and a letter in her backpack. Before I had noticed either, she said, "Mom, I did something I need to tell you about." Instantly, I stopped what I was doing, turned to face her (without looking condescending or judgmental—calmly, remembering the lesson of last blog) and I listened.  

Evidently the “sissy test” still exists. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a test when kids take an eraser and rub it on the back of their hand until it either hurts too much (which evidently makes you a ‘sissy’ in 5th grade) or until you break skin.

When I was a kid they did this in middle school. I was much too chicken to do it, always petrified of germs and bacteria and couldn't be PAID let alone pressured into risking infection. So naturally when I see my daughter has done this, I’m not only horrified that she would risk communicable diseases, but I’m disappointed at the choice she made when pressured by her peers.  My daughter chose to follow, despite my numerous chats on always being a leader. I felt like I failed her. I didn't do a 'good enough' job of explaining to her the importance of not following the crowd.

Sometimes I assume that because she’s always been an ‘honor’ student, she will make good choices, even when I’m not there to remind her. What I learned this day was that even though a student is an ‘honor student’ and who is for the most part compliant at home, peer pressure is serious and will cause even the straightest arrow to go astray sometimes. This doesn't make her a bad kid, it makes her human.

My daughter tried to assure me that she was ‘safe’ because she used a ‘fresh eraser’ to administer this ridiculous test. That disappointed me further because I realized she thought my concern was about germs, when the reality is my concern is that I need to trust her decisions. This showed me I have some serious work ahead of me.

I explained that although I am somewhat relieved that the eraser was not shared, my concern is bigger than that. I need to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I can trust her decisions. That when she is old enough to drive, she will not text, drink, etc. I need to know that when her ‘friends’ call her names for not following (be it skipping school, doing drugs, vandalism, etc. etc.) that she is confident in her own person to stand true to her beliefs and do what she knows is right. 

In an effort to drill home that I am not “holier than thou,” I also confessed to her that there were times when I was not perfect.I caved into peer pressure by doing what I knew was wrong, like smoking or drinking, or skipping school. And those few times that I did, I always felt let down, not because I didn’t do what my parents wanted me to do, but because I didn’t honor myself. I felt like a coward, and to me that’s way worse than the result of any ‘sissy test’ out there.

The look on her face when I confessed my imperfections was interesting. When I asked her what she was thinking she said, "Nothing, I just didn't think you understood what it felt like. My "a-ha moment" was that our kids need to know we're human. So the big question is this: Did the lesson sink in? I don't know. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I am very much aware that the pressures are alive and kicking and I need to be on my game, keeping the lines of communication open. 

Yesterday she asked me, "Mom, what do you worry about when it comes to us?" I looked at her and said, "That I'll lose you, because I love you and your brother more than anything in the world." She replied, "I promise to make good decisions", which told me she is still thinking about our chat. For now, that's all I can ask for.