Coming Attractions

This weekend marked the beginning of one of my favorite times of year, summer movie season.  My wife is gracious enough to put up with my ramblings and unsolicited monologues about upcoming blockbusters.  I am the first to admit that I have nerdish tendencies.  We went to a trivia night recently with our neighbors and while we did not win or even place, I was shocked that I knew the alter-egos of all seven super heroes listed in one of the bonus rounds.  By shocked I mean I was extremely embarrassed.  Afterwards, I made sure to let everyone sitting near me know that I also played and excelled at many, many sports growing up.

Several weeks ago, my wife and I collected all of the change in our house and took it to one of those Coinstar machines.  We do not do this often so transferring our bags upon bags of currency took a good 25 minutes and drew several stares from the Harris-Teeter soccer mom crowd.  Instead of doing the respectable thing and depositing the money in our retirement accounts, we opted for a movie gift card.  My fiscally responsible father will be angry as he reads those words and rightfully so.

While plotting our summer movie calendar, I put together a small list of likes and dislikes about my movie going experiences to share because I am almost 100% sure that people are interested in this. 

I love getting to the movie theater early so that I can get my favorite spot.  To some people, securing a seat somewhere in the middle of a row is the ideal movie viewing position.  I am not one of these people.  I prefer to sit on the aisle because I drink large volumes of Diet Coke and can possibly make frequent trips to the facilities and I do not enjoy crawling all over people.  Sometimes those people can be real jerks and try to trip you.

I do not love the fact that my wife does not enjoy arriving to the theater early.  She thinks it is silly that I insist we be there in plenty of time to get snacks and watch the previews.  I will never forget the one time I won this battle and got to tell her “I told you so.”  We went to see Transformers 2 and got there “on time” instead of early and we had to sit on the very front row.  Our necks hurt but there was absolutely no way I could get in trouble for that.  To my pleasant surprise though, she felt terrible for making us not quite late and did not make me watch HGTV or TLC for an entire week.  Bonus.

I enjoy seeing movies with crowds.  When watching a summer blockbuster with a large audience, the jokes become funnier and the emotional moments hit much harder.  I remember watching Fellowship of the Ring and the entire theater cheering wildly when Aragorn killed the orc during a most excellent sword fight.  I also remember accidentally screaming like a girl in The Blair Witch Project in a sold out theater.  That was one of those times where I put my head down and waited for the entire theater to clear out before I could stand up and leave.  Even the guys cleaning up the popcorn knew who I was at that point.

I do not enjoy movies when small children are present.  Sometimes kids cry and the parents act extremely responsible by getting up and walking the kid out.  The joke is on us though because the parent actually just walked down to the entry ramp with the crying kid.  “Do not worry movie patrons; I walked fifteen feet from my seat with my screaming child.  I am now hovering near the exit so that I can still enjoy this rated R movie with my screaming one-year old.  There is no way you can hear him any longer.  I have fulfilled my parental responsibilities and you can all shower me with thanks.”      

I love movies about super heroes.  We saw The Avengers this weekend.  This movie had quite a few things going for it.  Robert Downey Jr. is front and center and my wife is in love with RDJ.  I am apparently in love with Thor because he has flowing locks of gold and he has muscles.  I would like both flowing locks of gold and more muscles.  My wife would like me to have both of these things as well.  Very badly.  The primary antagonist has a British accent.  This man probably came from a theater background which automatically makes him both more evil and more intelligent.  That is scientific fact.

I do not like movies that involve cartoons or monkeys.  The last cartoon movie that I saw at the theater was An American Tale in 1986.  I cried so hard that I embarrassed my dad and still tear up to this day if I hear any part of the song Somewhere Out There.  There is a movie out right now called Chimpanzee.  I will not be there.  I cried watching the trailer.   I have a friend that printed a bunch of little business cards that say “Chris’s Mancard” and I have to give her one every time I have a moment like this.  I’m actually not kidding about this.

Man card or no, I am excited for what this summer will bring.  I know we have aliens and comedies and musicals on the agenda.  There might even be an Emma Stone or Kate Hudson movie coming that I will venture out to see with my wife.  Please be aware I only watch those as leverage to see the movies I want to see.  I totally did not cry in The Help. 

That’s just silly.