I Am A Mother

I remember the exact moment I became a mother.

It wasn’t when I found out I pregnant. 

It wasn’t the day my son was born.

Having the baby, being in the hospital for a couple of days, the sleepless nights are all a blur.  I remember them but the details are fuzzy.  Jackson had what the doctors called “wimpy white male syndrome.”  He was born, let out a few wimpy cries, and didn’t expel the amniotic fluid in his lungs.  As a result, he was monitored for pneumonia and lived his first 48 hours under a fish bowl with oxygen. 

It’s difficult to explain, but it was like an out of body experience, like I was watching someone else’s life.  I was worried about the baby, but there were doctors and nurses taking care of him.  I didn’t have much responsibility aside from pumping breast milk every 2 hours.

He had to stay in the hospital a few extra days, and we came home to family members who couldn’t wait to hold this bundle of joy.  We thanked God that he was healthy and that there would be no long-term effects from this bumpy start to his life.

The first few hours were filled with oohs and ahs from friends and family, fresh flowers, delicious food, and baby gifts. When our guests finally left, my husband and I were left with this tiny person that was completely and utterly dependent on me (well, okay- us- but I was feeding him).  I knew how to change a diaper, I was figuring out breastfeeding, and the nurses had taught me how to swaddle. 

That was the extent of my newborn experience.  

I managed to keep him content for a few hours, but the later it got, the more restless he became.  I was exhausted, and (little did I know then) he was hungry.   I can distinctly remember looking at my husband and saying, “I can’t believe they let us take him home. How do they know we can take care of him? “  I was terrified.

And it hit me in the most overwhelming feeling imaginable: 

His life was completely my responsibility, how could I possibly take care of him, I don’t know enough to be a mother.

After a few tears and a shower, I slowly pulled myself together.  I accepted the responsibility that was given to me, and I began to strategize about how to get through that first night. (that's all I could see) It was the longest night of my life, but a pivotal moment in motherhood.  The "me" that existed was no longer. From that day forward, this baby was the first thought in my brain, not me. For 30 years, I was the only person I had to worry about.  As a mother, "I" didn't matter. My children are a bit more independent now that they are older, but it certainly doesn't negate the fact that I would move mountains if needed to protect and care for them. It's powerful role that I am proud to hold. The biggest responsibility I’ve ever been given has provided me with more joy than I knew existed.

I am a mother.

Jennifer Bilbro is the Founder of OutToEatWithKids.com, an online resource and mobile application designed to help families search for economical & healthy children’s meals. Visit OutToEatWithKids.com for more information or submit your restaurant info to jennifer@outtoeatwithkids.com 

Happy Mother’s Day!