Brain Science: What is it with Men and Their Cars?

Admittedly, my husband doesn’t have his own car, but he does have a bicycle, a bicycle he loves very much and has put a lot of time and money into… Perhaps I should have titled this post, “What is it with Men and Their Vehicles?”

Why do men invest so much time in their vehicles? How is it that my husband can walk straight through a room cluttered with toys and piles of laundry, through the kitchen piled with dishes, past kids reaching out to be picked up, and straight outside to tune up his bicycle (for those whose husbands have cars/motorcycles/boats read: wash and tune up his car/motorcycle/boat).

There are 2 main reasons:

1) Men are wired with the desire to roam and to seek freedom and power (all of which a vehicle fulfills)

2) Men need emotional rest. (A place away from the emotional demands of family… also, cars don’t talk back).

Tip of the Day:  Give Him Rest

It is rare the man who grows in intimacy by being chased. A good, healthy marriage happens by degrees. So give your husband space; if he doesn’t feel like talking, every now and then let it go. Don’t even ask him to justify it.

As Gary Thomas points out, this is especially true when a man arrives home from work.  Most men need to decompress. They need some time to themselves. Women: to men, talking to us about their day isn’t decompressing, it’s overstimulation.  Men: understand that when your woman has been trying to get you to talk about your day, she honestly thinks this is helping you decompress, because it’s what helps her decompress.

Ok, but I still don’t understand why are they so in love with their vehicles… Wow… And my husband is on the phone talking about motorcycles with another man as I am typing this! According to Gurian:

There is a biological tendency for men to seek a set of care objects that allow for brain rest and the pleasure of independent relationship without the stimulation of emotional conversation. A car is,not surprisingly, an object of choice for many men.

Now in laymen’s terms from Gary Thomas:

A car takes me where I want to go without asking me how I’m feeling. A car lets me yell at other drivers without saying, “why are you so upset?” A car lets me listen to the sports radio program without asking me what color I want to paint the kitchen. My car has never – not even once – asked me if something was wrong or uttered those four famous words, “we need to talk.” And my car is absolutely clear about its needs. I know if the gas tank is full, half empty, or almost completely empty. My car would never respond to my inquiry about how much gas remained in its tank with the words, “Guess,” or “You should know without me having to tell you.”

In short, my car lets my brain rest.

I couldn’t say it better myself. When I read that, it totally clicked in my mind and I understand that my man needs a break, even from me, sometimes. It has nothing to do with how he feels about me. He still loves me, he’s still committed to me, but sometimes he just needs to be left alone, so his brain can rest and he can recharge.

Just as my husband gives me time with other women so I can talk and get filled up emotionally, I give him time with the guys, or sports, or his bike, or whatever so that he can decompress and not get emotionally overstimulated.  And I find that in doing so, he is more willing and better able to talk and listen to me after I have allowed him that rest.