The Harmful Effects of Parent-Bashing Your Ex In Front of Your Child

We’ve all heard the old adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” As children, we held on to this as a protective mechanism to demonstrate that we were unbothered by teasing. Even as children, though, we were aware that there were limitations to the practical application of this sentiment.

The emotional sensitivity of children demands that we, as adults, display characteristics such as patience, tenderness, and understanding. Children learn how to deal with the world outside of the home, by the way they are treated in the home. Equally as important is how we treat each other, and speak of one another in the presence of children. Here’s why…

You’re Severely Damaging Their Mental Health.

Parental conflict has lasting effects on children. It can impact their mental health in various ways, causing them to become withdrawn and self-loathing. Children can feel worthless, unworthy and unlovable, and these feelings can lead to the unthinkable. According to the National Institutes of Health, in models adjusted for age, ethnicity, income, marital status, and parental depression those who experienced parental divorce were 1.33 times as likely (95% CI: 1.06–1.67) to report a suicide attempt than those who did not experience parental divorce. This proves that parent-child attachment is strongly linked to adolescent suicidal intentions. Speaking badly of the other parent to a child may sever that attachment, causing the child to feel split between the two parents with feelings of guilt and emotional distress. This can have long-term effects on their mental stability.

Parental Alienation Syndrome

Parent bashing can intensely damage the child’s relationship with the other parent, causing a literal dysfunction. PAS is defined as a situation where one parent influences their child to reject or diminish the relationship with the other parent, typically during or after a separation or divorce. This takes shape as manipulation, creation of false narratives and the belittling of the parent to the child. These actions can, and usually do have far-reaching implications for all involved. For the alienated parent, they endure the emotional toll of trying to pursue a relationship with a child who now finds them unworthy of their love. They struggle with their own feelings of inadequacy and isolation, along with the emotional burden of potentially having to give up on being in their child’s life for good.

According to Psychology Today, children who were alienated from a parent experienced depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and trauma. They can also experience relationship problems, and become socially withdrawn. Chillingly, the child can also develop difficulties with reality testing, which is a widely-accepted symptom of psychosis and some subtypes of psychopathy. Reality testing is the objective evaluation of an emotion or thought against real life. In simpler terms, it is the ability to tell between what is real and what is fake; the ability to say “this can’t be real. I must be hallucinating.” or “maybe I’m overreacting.” or “maybe I misunderstood.” Children who are victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome feel a sense of ambivalence toward the targeted parent, losing all sense of conscience in relation to their relationship to that parent. There exists a complete absence of guilt and empathy for the targeted parent; another symptom of psychopathy.

The Courts Consider Ex-Bashing Emotional Child Abuse.

Currently, there are no specific laws on the books which prohibit someone from speaking unflatteringly about their co-parent in the presence of the child. Family courts will, however, recognize this behavior as “detrimental to a child’s well-being” and this determination can result in unfavorable custody decisions. It is their honors’ responsibility to put the best interest of the child above all else. It is in the child’s best interest to have a relationship with both parents. If a parent has been shown to intentionally foster discord between a child and the other parent, this information can be used against them in a custody battle. Consequences could include a court order prohibiting bad-mouthing the other parent, a motion to show cause, court ordered therapy, psychological evaluations, and/or modification of the custody order to limit the offending parent’s parenting time.

Cut Them Some Slack. It’s Already Hard On Them.

A separation or divorce is traumatic enough for a child without having to be subjected to the emotional shrapnel of the conflict between two adults. Ultimately, they are the ones who endure most of the damage. Damage that they will carry over into their own adult lives. The effects of this damage will become pervasive in all of their interpersonal relationships, including when they have children of their own. Thus, the destructive cycle continues. If you believe that this may be a concern for you, consulting an experienced family law attorney will ensure that you know all the options that are available to you.