Upcoming Austin Beard Competition Promises To Be Hair-Raising Event

AUSTIN, TX — Sporting a goatee, are you? Please. Stubble more your thing? Well, good for you. Chinstrap, you say? How very amusing. Mutton chops? That's adorable. Handlebar mustache? Don't even get us started.

None of those facial hair versions will get you into even preliminary rounds of the upcoming Remington Beard Boss World Beard & Moustache Championships to be staged in Austin this September. This is a competition for the truly hirsute, so please don't even think of trying to compete with your oh so fashionable stubble.

The three-day competition is scheduled from September 1-3 at the Long Center for the Performing Arts is expected to draw some 1,000 competitors, HillCountryNews.com reported. It's all for a good cause, benefiting such charities as FarmVet.org, LiveStrong.org, and OutYouth.org, the website reports.

The hosts for the hairy competition is the Austin Facial Hair Club, according to the report. Let's pause here to consider something: There is actually something that exists called the Austin Facial Hair Club.

The more you know.

In addition to the bevy of beards, live entertainment and food vendors will be on hand for this family-friendly event. According to the report, this year's version of the competition is expected to be the largest to date, with participants descending in Austin to compete from throughout the country.

For registration and ticket information, visit the Austin Facial Hair Club website by clicking here.

Just for grins and giggles, here's what noted pogonologist (that's a fancy word for beard scholar) Allan Peterkin had to say about what some of the more popular facial hair styles say about the man, as told to the Huffington Post, with our own Patchy commentary added throughout:

• Full beard: Usually associated with scholarship or academics, the look has been sported by no less of a figure as Jesus. Moses rocked the look pretty well too. Because of this, full beards often have religious associations attached to them. But nowadays, young men are going with the full-beard look, including in Austin where one can't swing a cat without hitting a full-bearded youth.

• Goatee: A man who's stuck in the past. This particular style had its peak in the mid-1990s at the height of the grunge rock era. Let it go, man.

• Scruffy/Stubble: This is a man who is up on the latest trends. Think Ryan Gosling, a man who can now add being at ground zero of the cultural zeitgeist as it relates to facial hair along with having it all, including Eva Mendes and among the highest salaries among Hollywood leading men still getting rave reviews for his Fred Astaire-like turn as song-and-dance man in "La La Land." Talented little twerp.

• Sideburns: This is a man who likes to have fun. Think college campuses and hipsters. "It's a playful look," Peterkin says.

• Chinstrap: This denotes a man who is pathetic, crafting a chinstrap in a desperate cry for attention. "It's for a guy who wants to push the envelope and also wants to be asked about his facial hair," the beard scholar told HP. Chinstrap Guy would probably be laughed out of the Long Center, adding even more pathos to his existence. We suggest they participate strictly as spectators.

• Mustache: This fashion statement conveys a man who is cocky, Peterkin said. But the mustache has gotten a bad rap in recent years (detractors refer to the wearer's "porno" stash, for instance) but it's been somewhat redeemed via philanthropic events (like Movember) encouraging below-the-nose hair growth for charity.

• Horseshoe mustache: This look denotes a man who is rebellious, seen on bikers and the like. This look also denotes a man who is Hulk Hogan.

• Handlebar mustache: This is a guy with a pleasant personality, a man who would be at home in a barbershop quartet or fancies himself a Southern gentleman. Think of baseball player Rollie Fingers to visualize the handlebar mustache.

• Soul patch: This favors the off-beat man, the eccentric. The soul patch started to make its appearance in the 50s, as some men started to rebel against the hirsute-free, clean-shaven of the era. Beatniks first took to the look in the 50s before hippies made the bit of hair above the chin pervasive.

• Mutton chops: A man with this facial hair expression is a gentleman with a big heart. "What comes to mind for me is a Victorian gentleman with a monocle," Peterkin says. It's a very Victorian expression, he adds. That's certainly nothing to bumble around even while some may see it as butter upon bacon. Certainly no door knocker, this.

>>> Uppermost image: Photo by janosch via Wikimedia Commons