Avoid Caring too Much

As best you can, avoid caring too much, too long, and for too many persons and things. I have been guilty of all three. I remember a wise woman who early in my work as a pastor cautioned me against caring too much for my people. She repeated what I had been taught in seminary, namely to “Love the people and preach the Gospel.” Then she added this caution: “But if you love them too much, you will eventually burnout.”

You care too much when you get too involved in what you are caring about or for. How do you know if you are too involved? It has to do with commitment to specific outcomes and overly high expectations. Beware of the “California or Bust” mentality, which prompts you to look only for and be willing to accept only a single outcome for a loved one or relationship. Or else what? All is lost? Then you might find yourself stuck on being unhappy and frustrated at how things turned out.

If you are counseling or advising others, it is very easy to get overly committed to their doing what you want them to do. And if they don’t do it, you can get upset with them, and possibly feel inadequate as a helper. Then your guilt can turn into frustration with them, simply because they made you feel guilty.

Guilt in human relationships has been called “the gift that keeps on giving.” We feel guilty if we think we don’t care enough, as if we are supposed to be better persons than we are. On the other hand, we feel weighed down and besieged if we care too much. So which would you prefer, guilt or heaviness of heart? Neither alternative is conducive to personal satisfaction or happiness in love relationships.

I tell others to care for persons more than outcomes, and for the long haul. Talk about the long haul: we can care too long. We have difficulty letting go and moving on to the next relationship, life situation, or circumstance with a long-term relationship. We refuse to let bygones be just that, bygones.

Finally, you can care for too many things, unto distraction. You cannot do everything, be everywhere, be to everybody what you think they want or expect you to be. You can only be yourself in your current lifestyle and situation.

How do you know if you care for too many things? Simple: you feel pulled in several directions, all at once. It’s like others expecting you to be at multiple meetings, in different places, at the same time. This can be comical. For example, I currently belong to two organizations which have their monthly meetings at the same time. What am I supposed to do? I cannot be in two places at the same time; I must choose where I want to be and feel the most needed.

It is essential to have faith in others and to give them the space to grow and breathe and flourish. Caring too much usually includes the belief that, if you will not do it, others will not get it done. In addition, comes the concern that if you will not care for others, those persons will not care sufficiently for themselves. This belief is a prescription for burnout. You must risk believing that others can do well on their own, that you are not the be all and end all for resolving their problems. Caring for others includes believing in them.