Children Grieve, just Like Adults.

Children grieve, just like adults. While children can suffer from loss before the age of two, they usually do not develop a genuine sense of death’s finality until after their sixth year. By age ten, they begin to look for meaning and purpose in death; religious beliefs gain importance.

Suggestions for aiding children in grief:

Face the loss together. Let it draw your family into greater unity. Give children permission to grieve, and model what grieving is all about. Share your tears and sorrow with them. Teach them by word and example that death is a normal part of life.

Encourage them to talk about the deceased loved one. Talk through feelings, share stories and memories. Hiding feelings, not talking prohibits healthy grieving. Unresolved grief is a killer of future relationships.

Be present with and for them. Your caring, patient presence will mean more than anything else. Conversely, your retreating from them will hurt more than most anything else. Grieving is not only a matter of the heart, but also of the body. Assuring arms will help them through their loss.

Do not lie to your children. Answer their questions as sensitively and honestly as you can. There are no foolish questions, only foolish answers. What they need is assurance. Now isn’t a time to express doubt about life after death, or about their ever seeing their deceased loved one again.

Avoid creating myths that could come back to haunt you. It is one thing to say that “It was time for grandpa to go to heaven,” and quite another that, “God needed grandpa, so God took him.” God comes off bad in the latter. A child could respond, “But I need grandpa, too!” Then the child could worry about who God might need next. And don’t tell them the deceased loved one is sleeping in the ground. That could create nightmares.

Encourage, but do not force them to go where they don’t want to go. If they insist they do not want to view the body, respect that -- though you may gently tell them they might wish they had later. And if they don’t want to go to the visitation or funeral, don’t make them. Most of the time, however, what they are feeling is uncertainty and distaste; so some careful, caring nudging will usually bring them around.

Do not hide your neediness from them. On the one hand, you do not want to lean on them too heavily; but on the other, you do not want them to lean on you in a way that blocks you from your own grieving. Show them there are times to be strong and times to be weak during the grief process. It is best to lean on each other; this is a true “huddle time.”

A deceased loved one can never be replaced. A section of your heart is reserved for that person alone, an inner sanctuary of shared memories and love. A mother or father, a sister or brother, a spouse or child, cannot be replaced. We can never go back to life as it was before the death. A childhood may end through a loved one’s death. Our caring presence can ease its passage.