Criticism

Critical people are criticized people. People are not born negative toward others; they learn it through being criticized. People who are hard on others are even harder on themselves. They are critical because they have internalized consistent faultfinding from their family of origin. They are unhappy in their negativity and prisoners of their past. What they need is the healing balm of unconditional love. The problem is, they cannot believe it even if it is offered.

It is important to distinguish between constructive and destructive criticism. The purpose of the former is to build up the other and strengthen the relationship. The purpose of the latter is to wound the other, to debilitate so the other cannot fight back, to assert power and possibly to pay back a prior hurt. We know which is which by its effect on us and the relationship.

Of course, what is intended as constructive criticism may be heard by the other as destructive. Should that happen, stop your critique at once, for continuing would only support the other’s claim that your aim is to hurt rather than to heal. And don’t fall into the trap of criticizing the other for how he is taking your comments. Rather, gently insist that your goal is not to criticize but to resolve what is hurtful to you. And beware of unasked for critiques, and of “helping another” when they have not asked for or expected it.

To stop the cycle of criticism, stop criticizing yourself. You are the first person to hear whatever you say about yourself. What you say about you, you’ll believe. What you believe, you’ll act out. Self-acceptance neutralizes the heart’s acid; it turns swords into plowshares.

Criticism always hurts, whether or not we admit it. I mean admit it to ourselves as well as to others. Though in grade school most of us were taught that facile little jingle, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me,” it turns out to be a lie. We may try and even succeed for a time in believing this jingle, but somewhere within us, along the hidden cracks in our vulnerable “character armor,” something of that criticism gets through.

We almost instinctually get defensive when criticized, even if we do not act it out. We may play it quiet and seemingly cool, or want to say what a wise woman once taught me: “Your opinion of me is none of my business.” We may even need to hear what is being said, for it can be important constructive criticism. Regardless, it still smarts, it humbles.

The question arises, what if we chose to agree with the criticism, rather than argue with it, or look for ways to disagree? After all, there is at least a little bit of truth to most all criticisms, or they wouldn’t affect us so. And what is a criticism but simply another’s viewpoint, telling us more about that person’s world than our own?

Think of all the psychic energy it takes to mount a defense against a criticism, whether or not we actually voice it. And once we have gathered together our verbal forces, what happens if we choose not to speak? Our slender army of convictions will remain at the ready, will stick around as something we wish we had said, just to get it off our chest.

What if, instead of mounting an army of defense, we offered an olive branch of peace and acceptance? What if we responded by saying, “You know, you may be right”? And I mean to say so not defensively or derisively, but with a thoughtful calmness. The person making the comments is probably attempting to express what they really believe, and their critique does in fact offer you another perspective on yourself and your behavior. You could possibly learn something about yourself.

When you agree with another’s criticism you disarm them. It takes two to make a fight. By being willing to take in and listen to the other’s negative comments, you soften them; they are likely to pull back and calm down. Should they feel freed by your response to elaborate their critique, and should you continue to evidence a welcoming attitude, at the very least, this person will feel heard. To feel heard draws people closer together. The truth is, you can remain very close to another while engaging in uncomfortable exchanges.

When I have adopted this approach to criticism, my relationship with the person sharing their viewpoint has generally gotten stronger, and also more mature. Only a mature relationship can withstand honest critiques, without withdrawal or attack.

Imagine a life without the need to get defensive, where criticism is as readily accepted as praise. There is about as much truth in criticism as there is in praise. I have learned the value of listening to both, and of celebrating a life freed from defensiveness