Criticism Can Burn the Flesh of Love

Criticism can burn the flesh of love. It maims long before it decimates love. The more exposed to another your flesh of feeling, the greater the potential impact of their criticism. No wonder so many wear the protective cloak of indifference to others. Instead of feeling first, they choose safety first.

The thing is, critical people are criticized people. People are not born negative toward others; they learn it through being criticized. People who are hard on others are usually even harder on themselves. They are critical because they have internalized consistent faultfinding from their family of origin. They are unhappy in their negativity and prisoners of their past. What they need is the healing balm of unconditional love. The problem is, they generally cannot believe that they are loved, even if the offer is genuine. The fear of being wronged and wounded is too great. That indicates their love history.

We are often guilty of doing the very things we accuse others of doing to us. When we feel criticized, we criticize back. A vicious cycle of criticism ensues: we take turns finding fault with one another about the very things we are both doing. Neither of us is better than the other.

We need to see how we are both at fault in order to break this negative pattern and begin to build a positive one based on mutual sensitivity and respect. We need to accept that one criticism does not justify another in response, any more than one wrong warrants another.

It is important to distinguish between constructive and destructive criticism. The purpose of the former is to build up the other and strengthen the relationship. The purpose of the latter is to wound the other, to debilitate so the other cannot fight back, to assert power and possibly to pay back a prior hurt. We know which is which by its effect on us and the relationship.

Of course, what is intended as constructive criticism may be heard by the other as destructive. Should that happen, stop your critique at once, for continuing would only support the other’s claim that your aim is to hurt rather than to heal. And don’t fall into the trap of criticizing the other for how he or she is taking your comments. Rather, gently insist that your goal is not to criticize but to resolve what is hurtful to you.

We do not take criticism well, even if it is offered in the name and spirit of love, and for our own good. The more fragile our self-esteem, the more likely we are to hear any criticism as destructive. At this point, it might be easier for us to shut down, and close off, rather than to fight a battle we already fear we would lose.

How can you tell others they have hurt you without hurting them in the process? One way is to translate “you” statements into “I” statements. It’s one thing to say “You are a thus and so kind of person,” and quite another to say “I feel thus and so.” The former is a judgment of the other; the latter is a confession of where you are, which can draw the other to you.

To stop the cycle of criticism, stop criticizing yourself. You are the first person to hear whatever you say about yourself. What you say about yourself, you will believe. And what you believe, you’ll act out. Self-acceptance neutralizes the heart’s acid; it turns swords into plowshares.