Denial

Most of us are in denial about one thing or other. We deny that something is, when it really is, or that it is not, when it really is not. If we are uncomfortable with an inner reality, be it how we really feel or what uncivil impulse we are trying to rein in it, we can simply deny its existence—to ourselves, if not to others. If things are happening in the world around us that brook fear, one way to resolve our apprehension, at least temporarily, is to deny it is happening.

One problem with being in denial, of course, is that you are usually not aware you are in it. If you are aware of something, then you obviously are not denying its existence. On the other hand, you may be denying part of the truth, such as your responsibility for something you realize happened. We are inclined to deny responsibility, at least at first. It is easier and more ego-friendly to find fault with others or claim circumstances beyond our control.

There is definitely an upside about denial. For example, denying that the loud music coming from your neighbors house really bothers you, can save relationships. Looking the other way can be gracious in socially embarrassing situations. Research indicates that people who deny they are having a heart attack on the way to the hospital have a significantly higher survival rate than those who cave into their fear and pain.

There needs to be a time and place where you can remove your “character armor” and face what you have been either denying or at least holding at bay. I remember as a young man receiving bad news just before going to meet my buddies, have lunch and play golf. I told myself I was just fine; I had lunch and played golf. Only later, when I returned to my solitary apartment, did I face the full force of my feelings, and falling on my bed, I wept.

The most obvious downside to denial is not knowing when you are doing it. I have witnessed many persons in marriage counseling sessions in denial regarding their true feelings, intentions or how they are coming across to the other. “I am not angry at you”; “I was only kidding”; “Of course I love you.” etc. Often these persons are denying to themselves as well as their partners that their feelings are different than what they are attempting to project.

I have also worked with persons who were in denial about their addiction. To make things worse, they were also in denial about how dreadfully their addiction was affecting their families. I have assisted in “Interventions,” when concerned persons suddenly show up and confront an addict with the stark details of their addiction, toward the goal of their acquiescing to go to treatment, right then, already arranged.

Thus, however strange it may sound, you need to be aware of when and how you are in denial, and of what you are denying. You may choose to deny you are upset to someone you do not trust with the information, someone who could gossip or use your truth-telling against you. In this case, you are at least aware that you are lying—and granted, there are times and places where telling an untruth might be your best, even only option. The essential point: “The awareness is everything.” Becoming aware of what you have been denying, is an essential dimension of attaining true maturity.