The Difficulty of Saying No.

Most of us have difficulty saying “No” to requests of our time and talent. Relationship author Dr. Judith Tingley says the major block to assertive communication is fear. We fear criticism, judgment, intimidation, rejection. We fear losing importance, power or a good friendship if we say no.

Then there is always guilt, the gift that keeps on giving. We feel guilty if we make our own needs and wants a priority; we don’t want to appear selfish or indifferent. Yet there are personal costs to not saying no, to getting overextended. We spend our time and energy on things that don’t matter as much as what we really want to spend our time and energy doing. We get angry, bitter and resentful toward the person or cause we agreed to help. This generates health as well as self-esteem issues.

If you have trouble saying no, you are not alone. It is important to face this and learn how to say no with honesty, calmness and integrity.

Colette Carlson, a communications expert, once had great difficulty saying no to family, friends and co-workers. She faced her problem and developed a four step formula for saying no. She utilized the four words children learn when determining whether it is safe to cross the street: Stop, Look, Listen, Go.

Stop: When someone asks you to do something, give yourself time and space before deciding one way or another. Do not rush or cave into pressure to do something until you have gone through the four steps. Say something like, “That has possibilities; let me get back to you on that,” or “Let me check my schedule.” You can get into trouble by saying “Yes” before determining whether you really could, or should, or want to do it. The truth is, there are too many valid causes, but too little of you. You can only be a spark plug in one cylinder; far better to do less and do it better.

Look: Take a thorough, realistic look at your current calendar and commitments. If you believe your health is vital to your life, have you put sufficient workout sessions on your calendar? Let first things be first as regards your scheduling. If you don’t make time for it, it won’t happen. You alone are in charge of your schedule; you cannot expect anyone to give you what you yourself must take: the time needed to live your priorities harmoniously. When you know your priorities and have scheduled them in, it is easier to say no to the extraneous.

Listen: Listen to, recognize and accept your feelings. Ask yourself what your immediate reaction was on hearing the request. Trust your initial feelings; they are more often right than wrong. Were you excited and enthused about the opportunity, or did you wish the other would just go away? Do you really want to do it, or do you think you “should”? Beware of giving your time and talent away to “shoulds” at the direct cost of wants. Where there is should, there is guilt. And where there is guilt, there is anger: the anger at not feeling free to do what you really want.

Go: Speak the truth with honesty and integrity. Don’t make excuses; simply say, “I’m not able to do this, but I hope it goes well.” Then zip it. Neither apologize or elaborate. Move on to other subjects, the more positive the better.