Do Not Get in the Way of Listening

Most of us get in the way of really listening to others. Our chief difficulty is this boulder of the self we put in the middle of dialogue’s two-way path. We focus more on ourselves and our reactions than on the other. Four major forms of self-focusing block real listening:

First is our ubiquitous self-centeredness. We want the conversation to revolve around us. That includes the topics of conversation: we seek to steer around the subject, even abruptly, to what we want to talk about and listen to.

Many evidence what is called exaggerated self-reference. They assume others are talking about them when they are not; and they take personally what others say when it isn’t really about them.

In the extreme, exaggerated self-reference is a characteristic of paranoia. The most humorous example of paranoid exaggerated self-reference I’ve heard came from a comedian on the Johnny Carson Show.

He said, “I’m so paranoid, that when I’m at a football game and the teams go into a huddle, I think they’re talking about me.”

Second is our inflated sense of self-importance. We feel what we have to say is more important, urgent, or pertinent than what the other is saying. In our arrogance, we believe what the other is saying is insignificant if not boring.

So we find is easy and efficacious to interrupt and either end the conversation or take it in directions different from the speaker’s intentions. The chances are we didn’t hear the other, even if we think we did.

Third is our faulty belief in our self-knowledge. We think we know what the other is going to say even before the other has said it. We believe we have “heard it all before.” That means we are really listening to our inner tapes of prior conversations, and therefore are not available to hear novelty and newness of feelings and sentiments. We are in effect telling the other that we know more than the other does about what is going on inside him or her. Not only is that ridiculous, but it renders listening to the other impossible.

Fourth is our secret self-protectiveness. We are more vulnerable to the other and to the information coming our way than we are willing to let on. We don’t want to change or hear something that might challenge or threaten us in any way, what we are and what we have.

This indicates we have stopped growing, or at least are resisting facing the hidden changes going on in us. So we stubbornly refuse to take in or do what another is asking us.

If you want to be a better listener, do this:

Become fully present, for to “hear” necessitates being “here” with your whole being.

Be still and know; be quiet and open up.

Unconditionally support the speaker, so they feel affirmed in your listening.

Show interest in the other person, as well what is being said.

Listen for newness and nuances, while showing quiet appreciation for the previous.

Assume nothing; listen as if you have not heard it before.

Empathize: go over into the soul of the other, then come back to your own.

As you listen, think more highly of the other than yourself.

Don’t attend to your thoughts and feelings while listening, but focus on the thoughts and feelings of the other.

Let your listening be about them, rather than about you.