Face Today to Get to Tomorrow

To get from what was to what will be, you have to go through what is. Someone recently reminded me of that. We humans have an amazing penchant to avoid staying with what is long enough to discover what we have to do to safely, sanely, and satisfactorily get to what we hope will be.

This is related to the need to accurately and adequately define a problem before determining our course of action. I have dealt with this need when counseling others. There was often an awkward silence when I began an initial session with a person or couple. We would stare at each other, and I would say something like: “Let’s start wherever we start, and not worry about the order. We’ll just sort of walk around the territory together, seeking to become familiar with the terrain. By and by the issues, like jagged rocks, will make themselves felt.”

When people are ready, willing and able to go through what is, they are already on the path of resolution and recovery. That path is called honesty, at its deepest level; and once there, we must never leave or deny it, though the temptations for illusion are many and constant. Honesty lights the path of the now; it holds the key called truth, which can open all the doors for our necessary passage through what is, so we can finally enter the promised land of what could be, but only after we have faced the truth of what is.

Yet enticements would delay or derail us from working through the what is of our lives. One lure is called “avoidance of pain.” We think if it hurts us it cannot be good for us. Facing the true state for us of a relationship can be painful, yet it can save us from much greater suffering later, should we attempt to remain in the relationship. I think of situations of physical and/or emotional abuse, and the times I have sought to help someone wake up and get out before further damage could be done. On occasion, I have heard the abused one say, “Why did I wait so long?”

Another temptation is that “if I deny it, it will go away.” How childlike of us to still believe that if we cover our head with a comforting pillow, something will either cease to exist or just go away. Many falsely believe that if they do not share but deny their feelings, those feelings will somehow dissipate like bad breath, and go wherever unexpressed inner life goes.

Then the time comes when their cupboards of denial will hold no more suppressed sentiments. Then they discover to their dismay that not only can they no longer deny things, but that what they had previously denied has come back with a vengeance, demanding recognition, expression, and release. And from a therapist, legitimation.

Another temptation is to live in the past rather than face the present. We see this especially in the elderly. How difficult it is to turn from what was, if it was good and satisfying, to face what is, if it is lean and sparse.

Finally, there is the temptation to live in tomorrow, in the land of daydreams and fantasy, in order to avoid facing what is. While movies and video games may be enjoyable diversions, they will not help us resolve what we must, to get to where we want to be.

At some point, we simply must walk through our discomfort. And to do so with a trusted other.