Fidelity in Marriage

Fidelity is more than an option in marriage; it is one of the central choices which makes true marriage possible. Where commitment constructs the foundation of the spiritual home of marriage, fidelity raises love’s walls.

To be faithful, and to have been faithful over the years, is at the top of the list of reasons to give thanks, right after loving and having loved one’s spouse. It is no small thing to be able to say, “Well, I may not have been everything you wanted or needed in a spouse, but at least I have loved you and been faithful to you all these years.”

Why do people commit adultery? Nobody makes them do it; it is an affair freely chosen and acted out. To say we live in a culture which readily accepts adultery, does not excuse it away, or lessen its painful impact on others.

People commit adultery for many reasons. It is usually more than just lust alone, though desire must not be underestimated. Perhaps it is lust combined with the excitement of “forbidden fruit,” or with a short-lived ego boost of being desired by another. Perhaps there is dissatisfaction in one’s marriage, which has neither been dealt with nor resolved. Perhaps it is out of sheer boredom or the desire to prove something to oneself, that one still “has it.”

Adultery is a profoundly selfish act, where the “me first” supersedes the “we first.” And for a marriage to be sustained and prosper, both partners have to think, feel and act in harmony with “we first,” with what is good for the marriage having greater priority than either “me first” or “you first.”

I have known people who committed adultery believing that they could get away with it, that they could have it all. But they could not. The first thing they lost, even if their partner never found out about it—which is quite rare, and never to be counted on—was honesty in the marriage. Lies and deception entered into the marriage relationship, even if the deceived person never learned what was going on. It is difficult and costly to perpetuate deception, and lies are much harder to remember than the truth. And one lie creates the need for others, with lies piling on top of lies, until the truth cries out as if it were being buried alive.

Is adultery forgivable? Where there is genuine recognition, regret and repentance, yes. I have seen couples remain together and work things out. But don’t think for a minute that you can go back to what was before the adultery and its disclosure. It is like having a serious traffic accident: your body can be mended, but it is never the way it was before the accident; scars and stiffness remain. It is far better never to have had the accident. So be it with marriage and adultery: it is far better never to have had the affair, to have kept the marriage intact, much like keeping your body intact.

To “adulterate” means to lessen the quality of something by the addition of a foreign substance. On top of pain and suffering, adultery adds mistrust to the marriage, which, once added, is so difficult to ever quite completely cleanse out.

It is simply not worth it to commit adultery. The operative principle, so easy to forget: never sacrifice a greater value for a lesser one. Better to divorce with your integrity intact, than to cheat while married.