Forgiveness

One thing we need to be reminded of frequently, is the need to forgive. It is all too easy to forget to forgive, but rather to hold on to our grudges for safety reasons. Unforgiveness can generate a shell behind which to protect ourselves from further hurt.

Most of us have difficulty forgiving others, as well as ourselves, for past transgressions. The timing is everything. There is a time to forgive, a time when forgiveness is possible. There is a time when forgiveness is from the heart, not just the lips, a time when you are able to let go and let be, a time to move back into a relationship or to finally move past it.

There is a time when forgiveness is not possible, not from the heart at least, even if your lips should profess forgiveness to the offender. Forgiveness is not possible while suffering from another’s transgression. You may want to forgive, but you are not ready to do so. You must first admit your pain, and then if possible confront the other with their misdeed. If the other evidences recognition of wrongdoing, regret for it, and repentance from it, you will hopefully be ready to turn from seeking retribution and protection, toward seeking reconciliation and forgiveness.

Forgiveness is about giving someone another chance—when both you and the other are ready to begin again, to enter a probationary period, to rebuild trust. Neither you nor the other will be ready until the wrong is addressed and the other understands your grievance and shows respect for you and responsibility for prior actions.

Forgiveness is not possible while you are afraid. You cannot forgive when you fear the other might do the same thing again. You cannot forgive if you are afraid to forget how another wounded you, afraid you might turn out to be a naive fool.

Forgiveness is not possible when you are seeking justice. The drive for retribution or redress runs deep in the human heart. Do not underestimate the desire that the other receive in like measure what he or she gave, or worse, in greater measure.

Yet who should be the judge, the jury and the one meting out punishment? Better to leave justice to a Power greater than yourself. For you are really no better than the one you would judge; and if you try to play god, no one will thank you—including God. You will make yourself and those around you miserable.

Some refuse to forgive due to continuing hardness of heart. Others seem ready to forgive most anyone any time. Neither unforgiveness nor instant forgiveness promote your well-being. Unforgiveness in the heart is like a black hole in space: it sucks up all light and life, yet remains unaffected by them. Where there is unforgiveness, there is a refusal to love, even yourself.

Those who seem perpetually ready to forgive without confrontation or conditions, have an intense learning curve ahead of them. Their forgiveness will be “above the neck” shallow and readily reversible. They are in denial about the true extent of their wounds.

Perhaps they could do what Jesus did: forgive people in advance of their finally recognizing, regretting and seeking to repent from their misdeeds. Turn them over to God and say, “When they discover what they have done, instead of retribution, grant them forgiveness.”