Giving and Receiving

Whatever else we are here to do, we are meant to give and to receive. Hopefully we do both sufficiently to gain the joint satisfaction that comes from giving to others and receiving from others. One indication of our well-being is that we are as comfortable giving as receiving. If it is more difficult for us to do one than the other, we need to attain parity for our long-term health and happiness.

Human relationships revolve around what is called in Latin, a “quid pro quo,” meaning, “I do and you do,” or “scratch my back and I will scratch yours.” We give to receive and receive to give; if we give but do not receive, we will eventually cease giving. If we receive but do not give, the other will cease giving. Further, resentment will likely show its ugly face at some point. When it does, the relationship is imperiled.

In short, there usually are strings attached to giving and receiving. I remember once when my wife and I decided to pick up the check for another couple after a delightful supper we four shared together. The other couple at first refused to accept our spur of the moment offer, our impulse to express our appreciation. After their embarrassing initial refusal, we finally had to agree to their terms so they would let us pay for their meal. Their terms: they would take us out to dinner on another occasion, which they later did, though it was a bit awkward. Their strings soured an otherwise enjoyable meal and time spent together.

Not too long after that, I wrote a prose poem on “Giving and Receiving.” I thought about sending a copy to that couple, but wisely chose not to. The poem:

“You give the most when you do not know you are giving. And the greatest gift of all is to share your life with others. You are yourself the gift they need.

Many give only to themselves. And from their fear of emptiness they shall find no rest.

Others give, but in gestures. What would happen if life gave that way? And what are we to others but life’s emissaries?

If giving is not its own reward you are not giving. And if you seek to be thanked for your gift, then give only to your friends. A stranger may not know how to thank you.

The greatest givers go unnoticed. For them, giving is a way of life.

A true gift is one which does not have to be given. If you must, then don’t call it a gift; call it a purchase.

Do not demand gifts. When you pressure you deny your need to be given, the giver the need to express love.

Many seek to be worthy before receiving. But who is worthy of the gift of life? What in life waits to be praiseworthy before receiving? And is not need worth itself?

Others would receive only if they may give also. Yet what do they accept but obligation? They would turn spontaneity into ritual, and giving into agreement. Those who cannot accept gifts cannot accept love.

Many speak of the giver as one who has, and of the receiver as one in need. Yet is it not also the giver who is in need, and the receiver who has? The giver is also a receiver; the given is also a giver.”