Healthy Arguing

Confrontation is an invitation to intimacy. It may not seem so at first glance. We might think just the opposite, that to confront is to alienate another, and possibly their affection. It does not turn out that way, however. Being “nice” and not saying what you are feeling is not only dishonest, but not fair to you, to the other, or to the relationship. Look up the word “nice.” It originally meant “stupid” or “foolish.” And love is not nice, especially as regards partnering or parenting. What is called “tough love” is another way of saying, “love with teeth, love willing to confront and seek resolution and reconciliation.”

I remember a farm woman I counseled. She admitted that the only way she could get to her always busy usually distracted husband was to get him mad. Once a confrontation finally came about, the end result was something akin to the sweetness of the earth after a thunderstorm. Then, she said with a smile, “The making-up is worth the arguing.”

The absence of arguing is not a sign of a healthy marriage, but of one with little intimacy. Confronting invites closeness, which can energize and strengthen love.

The key is to fight fair. Fair must be agreed upon by both partners. They need to agree beforehand which subjects are “below the belt.” This includes subjects like physical attributes, previous offenses supposedly forgiven, and sensitive family of origin issues. The goal of an argument should be to reconcile and strengthen, not alienate and injure.

In healthy marriages, couples argue in much the same way. Like confronting like in a similar manner constitutes balance and equity. Couples need to learn how to do this, how to help rather than hurt their union. These are among the essential rules for fighting fair:

Sooner is better than later. Don’t let things build up. If things do, write out your feelings and let them settle down before relating them to your mate. By so doing, you’re less likely to say something you will later regret.

Focus on issues, not persons. Don’t criticize or belittle the way the other speaks; allow each to voice feelings in the way most comfortable. Women are usually more verbal than men, and therefore better at arguing. If talking leads to frustration and failure instead of resolution and restoration, a man is likely to throw up a shield of silence to protect himself. Plus, there is power in silence.

Agree to disagree, while granting both sides validity and integrity. Never call the other crazy. You can regain the relationship through empathy, or forfeit it through antipathy.

Stay on track. Focus on one issue at a time. Go slow and get that issue resolved before moving on to another.

Deal with specifics. Avoid the “always” or “never” sentiments; they don’t help but only hurt the relationship. Make “I” statements rather than “you” statements; state your feelings and how specific behaviors trouble you.

Take turns. Make sure neither of you become frustrated at not getting enough time to present your side. Alternate expressing feelings, and without interruptions. Take five or more minutes each to relate feelings, while the other is to listen but not speak. Then at least you both will have spoken your heart.

Remain aware of your own emotional state. If you fear you are losing control or focus, back-off immediately.

Beware of the win-lose mentality. You can win an argument, but lose a relationship. What really counts is that you both win, through the strengthening of your relationship.

Don’t get physical with each other. Avoid physical contact at all costs. Better to walk away for a while than to translate words into actions.

Don’t yell or throw things. Don’t “lose it.” Then you’re the subject, not what you’re saying.

Never drink and argue. To do so is to court disaster.

Neither threaten nor intimidate. Bullies only think they win.

Give regular feedback and summaries. Periodically summarize what you and the other have said, and so build a common consensus that you understand each other’s position.

Take timeouts. Periods of silence and separation can prove necessary. A few minutes to calm down and clear the head can be a relationship saver.