How to Handle Criticism

Criticism always hurts, whether or not we admit it. I mean admit it to ourselves as well as to others. Though in grade school most of us were taught that facile little jingle, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me,” it turns out to be a lie. We may try and even succeed for a time in believing this jingle, but somewhere within us, along the hidden cracks in our vulnerable “character armor,” something of that criticism leaked through.

We almost instinctively get defensive when criticized, even if we do not act it out. We may play it quiet and seemingly cool, or want to say what a wise woman once taught me: “Your opinion of me is none of my business.” Or we could tell ourselves what Coco Chanel used to day in the face of criticism: “I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t think about you at all.”

Yet we may actually need to hear what is being said, for it can also be important constructive criticism. It can help us in our relationships, even though it still smarts and humbles.

The question arises, what if we chose to agree with the criticism, rather than argue with it, or look for ways to disagree? After all, there is at least a little bit of truth to most all criticisms, or they wouldn’t affect us so. And what is a criticism but simply another’s viewpoint, telling us more about that person’s world than our own?

Think of all the psychic energy it takes to mount a defense against a criticism, whether or not we actually voice it. And once we have gathered together our verbal forces, what happens if we choose not to speak? Our slender army of convictions will remain at the ready, will stick around as something we wish we had said, just to get it off our chest.

What if, instead of mounting an army of defense, we offered an olive branch of peace and acceptance? What if we responded by saying, “You know, you may be right”? And I mean to say this not defensively or derisively, but with a thoughtful calmness. The person making the comments is probably attempting to express what they really believe, and their critique does in fact offer you another perspective on yourself and your behavior. You could possibly learn something about yourself.

When you agree with another’s criticism you disarm them. It takes two to make a fight. Just by demonstrating the willingness to take in and listen to the other’s negative comments, you usually soften them; their reaction is likely going to be one of pulling back and calming down. Should they feel freed by your response to elaborate their critique, and should you continue to evidence a welcoming attitude, at the very least, this person will feel heard. To feel heard draws people closer together. The truth is, you can remain very close to another while engaging in uncomfortable exchanges.

When I have adopted this approach to criticism, my relationship with the person sharing their viewpoint has generally gotten stronger, and also more mature. Only a mature relationship can withstand honest critiques, without withdrawal or attack.

Imagine a life without the need to get defensive, where criticism is as readily accepted as praise. There is about as much truth in criticism as there is in praise. I have learned the value of listening to both, and of celebrating a life freed from defensiveness.