How to Treat a Woman

I once launched and conducted a match-making service. It was an extension of my counseling practice. And sometimes men would raise the question, usually with some embarrassment: “How exactly should I treat a woman?” I would point to King Arthur, and his “how to handle a woman” question he asked his mentor, Merlin the magician, in the Broadway musical, “Camelot.” Arthur proceeds to sing Merlin’s wise and simple response: “How to handle a woman, there’s a way said the wise old man, a way known by every woman, since the whole rigmarole began. Do I flatter her I begged him answer, do I threaten or cajole or plead? Do I brood or play the gay romancer, said he smiling ‘No, indeed. How to handle a woman, mark me well and I’ll tell you, sir. The way to handle a woman, is to love her, simply love her, merely love her, love her, love her.’”

In an anonymous blog, a relationship expert posited five complements women like to hear—which must be honestly felt. Actually, they are complements men also like to hear; again, assuming they are sincere. If we spent more time complementing than criticizing, imagine how much happier and more peaceful our relationships would be.

Supposedly, it takes seven complements to negate one criticism. While I am not sure of the math, we are generally more sensitive to criticism than we want others to know. And we usually have a more difficult time believing a complement than we let others know. We seem programmed to believe the negative more readily than the positive.

Here are five heartening complements to say to loved ones:

1. You are irreplaceable. Because you could ultimately live without someone does not mean they are replaceable. My mother has been gone since 1982; but she remains irreplaceable. To be irreplaceable means there is a perpetual special place in your heart for that person alone.

2. You bring light to my life. There are energy-producing and energy-depleting relationships. You want the other to know how he or she brightens and energizes your day.

3. I love you just the way you are. That means you would not change the other. I used to ask couples during premarriage counseling whether they would marry the other if they would not change, but stay the same. The answer was usually affirmative—at least then.

Persons should beware of marrying another thinking they can assist the other to change in ways necessary to sustain a long-term relationship. If you don’t like, love and accept each other pretty much the way you are now, you are in for a rocky road of a relationship.

That old adage is true to a surprising extent: a woman marries a man thinking he will change—but he won’t. And a man marries a woman thinking she will not change—but she will.

4. I love your (fill in the blank: e.g. kindness, sense of humor, cheerfulness). Find something daily to appreciate and affirm about your loved one. And it is acceptable to repeat yourself. A good sense of humor and basic cheerfulness can be treasured as frequently commented upon aspects of their person, as can kindness, compassion, and generosity. The more you appreciate something about your partner, the more likely the other will show you more of that quality.

5. I am so proud of you. Verbally appreciate not just the other, but the other’s accomplishments, large and small. Pay attention to them. Work on feeling gratitude for the other.