Marriage and Money

The number one problem during the first year of marriage is money. Money remains the second major problem throughout a marriage, second only to communication difficulties.

When two people marry they become business partners. The credit rating, monetary ambitions and spending habits of the one affects the other; if the boat tips over, so to speak, they will both find themselves in the water.

It is vital to discuss money concerns before marriage. The better you understand things going in, the greater the agreements reached, the easier time you will have. Marriages go awry when you either don’t get what you expected, or what you get you didn’t expect.

Among the monetary issues you need to work through are these:

Credit ratings: How are your respective credit ratings? If one has an excellent and the other has a lousy credit rating, you have a problem. Once married, the rating of the former will fall towards the level of the latter. You must work toward the latter’s paying off debt and elevating his or her rating. Then you must avoid going there again and mortgaging tomorrow in order to have all you desire today.

Fiscal philosophy: How similar or different are your financial backgrounds; what is the meaning of money to your families of origin? How much are you comfortable spending on specific items, from gifts, to shoes or cars? Determine what constitutes a “major purchase,” meaning the amount you will not spend without the other’s prior knowledge and approval. With the couples I worked with in pre-marriage counseling, what constituted a major purchase varied from $50 to $500 or more.

Spending habits: Are you similar or different regarding whether to save or to spend? You need to get into sync with each other, or you will quickly find yourselves at odds.

Monetary ambition: What will satisfy each of you financially? Like two business partners, if one would be happy with a small mom and pa family business while the other wants to develop a Fortune 500 corporation, you are not on the same page. This is not a right vs. wrong issue, but one of understanding and compromise. You need to know your own and your partner’s fiscal ambitions, and whether you are the same page.

Money mechanics: Should you have a joint or separate checking accounts? It is important to have at least one joint account, from which you pay the bills—so that the right hand can know what the left hand is doing, so that there is order and consistency. You can have different savings accounts, while you contribute jointly to the one account as you are able.

Who will pay the bills? Regardless of which one of you actually writes the checks, you both need to know what is happening; you both have to be able to pay the bills, should the one not be available for whatever reason. You must avoid perpetuating the adolescence of either partner, as in the “She (or he) gives me an allowance and takes care of the bills.” Who would be the adult here?

Play money: It would be good to have an agreed upon amount of money each pay period which you can do with as you want, whether to save or spent, without needing the other’s approval.

Money possession: Whose money is it? Work on establishing a firm “we” regarding money; strengthen your partnership, where money belongs to the business, the family, the marriage. The more you hold in common, the firmer your relationship.