Persons Matter more than Principles

Persons matter more than principles. Principles are important, of course, and persons cannot long violate your principles and remain in a relationship with you. But if you have to choose between persons or principles, listen to your heart as well as your head. Only do not sacrifice a greater value for a lesser one. And nothing has a greater value than love, and keeping love alive between persons.

I have seen divergent values lead to heart-wrenching results. If we could only agree to disagree, only keep our conversations going, our relationships would likely remain alive. As is said: “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” People do change; people do grow up. But if you are no longer talking, no longer in connection, you will neither know nor benefit from another’s maturing.

Too many of us lose touch with former loved ones, and for reasons having to do with differences that we could live with, if we only stopped judging and started loving them unconditionally. As is said, though you may hate the sin, you must continue to love the sinner.

That being said, do not enter into a committed relationship with someone who does not share your core values. You will only drift apart.

I recently had a conversation with a woman whose husband chose his religious principles over his son’s coming out as a homosexuality, along with his willingness to accept the consequent lifestyle. This husband was responding in a judgmental manner which alienated his wife as well as his son. Her love for her son remained unconditional.

As a parent, I have my values, and I have no intention of violating them. Yet I cannot ask or expect others to value what I value, nor to the extent that I value what I value. At the same time, however, I can ask and expect that others, including my children, respect my values—as I respect theirs as well. To respect does necessarily not mean to agree with.

One actual case in point in my family had to do with unmarried persons sleeping in the same bed, in one of their parent’s home. Since there was only one extra bedroom available in their home, I suggested that the son and his girlfriend go to a motel, and that the parents adopt a strategic policy: don’t ask, don’t tell. Whether they end up renting one or two rooms isn’t the parent’s business.

The woman strongly agreed. I told her to tell her husband, a very sincere Christian, that if God valued principles above persons, Jesus would never have died for us. Jesus said that we were not made for the law, but the law was made for us. That is most significant: persons are cherished above principles. Just so, relationships and love matter more than whether a loved one happens to concur completely with your value system.

Our task, without giving up or sacrificing our own values, is honor our love for the other above even our values. We can, of course, hope that someday loved ones will come not only to respect, but actually to agree with, that which we value. Common values strengthen love.

Put differently, the best way to represent our values is by living them, showing them to the significant others in our life. As they say about writing: show, but don’t tell. Preaching what we believe may make us feel better, but it is not likely to promote what we value.