The Search for Approval

I don’t know if we come into the world seeking approval, but we sure learn to soon after we arrive. We seek it from those who matter most, who have the most to give or withhold: our parents. They can give or withhold attention, love, touch, smiles, warm words and sounds, to say nothing of food and drink. Later they can give or withhold acceptance, privileges, and life blessing, as in the potent: “We approve of who you are and what you do.”

The parents lay out the initial course for the child through their system of rewards and punishments. The parents gauge whether they are a success or a failure as parents from their child’s behavior. How their child does may determine the parents’ sense of approval and esteem within their community.

Is then the child’s success for the sake of the child or the parents? It is for both; and it is acceptable for the parents to derive joy and pride from their child’s success.

Yet is it acceptable for the parents to determine what constitutes success or failure for their child? The goal of parenting is our children’s successful adjustment in life, best defined as the ability to love and work. Thus when a child is able to do both fairly well, to dwell securely in love relationships and to work effectively at whatever job is of the child’s choosing, the parents have done what they can do. Then it is for them to sit back, enjoy and bless their adult child, and all the fruit that may come, including especially grandchildren. As I wrote:

“Your children are of you, but not for you.

You cannot take them down the path of your dreams, nor may you walk down theirs.

For though they are your seed, they are planted in tomorrow’s garden.

Nurture, but seek not to uproot. Give of the fruit in your garden, but do not bid them enter. They would find no rest there; their hearts dwell in a field beyond your vision.

Only after the Harvest shall you live in one house.

Until then, rejoice in the continuity of life.

Be thankful you have a living stake in tomorrow.”

Sometimes, however, parents appear to have no intention of giving their final approval, their full blessing upon their child. This may be because that would mean the relinquishing of their power, their power to bestow or withhold their blessing. Sometimes what parents want is for the child to ceaselessly continue seeking their approval, because as long as the child seeks their approval, the parents can still exercise some power and control.

I remember one parent who thought she was giving her child sufficient approval, but it turned out she was not. When appraising her child’s report card, she would say, “This is good, but I know you can do better.” Her guiding principle was this: no matter how well her child performed, she sought to challenge ever better performance. Yet what the frustrated child heard was not approval but the tantalizing possibly of future approval, if just a little more effort could be expended.

Parents who do not know how to bless their child were likely never blessed themselves, so they cannot give what they themselves never received. In such a situation, the child has to learn to become his or her own mother and father, has to choose self-belief and approval. Though difficult, this is doable.