The Stages of Romantic Love

Romantic love may be mysterious, but it has definite stages. And just as we must wait until we have gone through all four seasons to assess the nature of weather, so must we live through the three fundamental stages of romantic love to grasp its true meaning. There is much more to romantic love than “falling in love;” there is also the life of “being in love,” and the work of “staying in love.”

These stages of romantic love are as definable as those of growing up. Love may begin as a passion for union, as an emotional volcano or roller coaster, celebrated yet feared. There may be an initial euphoria and life altering sense of oneness with another. But this is merely the first stage, which cannot last. Research suggests that the life expectancy of this initial phase of romantic love is from eighteen months to three years. Then the relationship moves to the next stage--or ends; then we find out whether it was really love or just lust. Only after the initial passion subsides can the deeper, truer love emerge.

An analogy between romantic love and the launching of a rocket is helpful, even somewhat accurate. To the three stages of falling, being and staying in love, there correspond the three stages of getting into, being in and staying in orbit. Falling in love is as the “blast off” of the rocket. Being in love is as the actual orbit itself, its specific path and nature. Staying in love is as the necessary corrections and adjustments to be made once in orbit to remain there, or even to change orbit somewhat, should we choose.

If, however, we restrict our definition of romantic love only to the falling in love stage, we set love up for disappointment, if not failure. For eventually the first stage of the rocket, no matter how unforgettable the power of its liftoff, will have expended its fuel. At this point, any fuel still available can only keep us in orbit, not get us there. By then we will either be in orbit, or be falling back to earth--and out of love.

If we should bemoan the gradual loss of love’s liftoff power, and focus only on love’s first stage, we will miss what love is offering in the present: a permanent life together in the encircling circle of love. The liftoff of love has moved us somewhere! And we are still there, in that orbit. Yet if we simply accept being in orbit, and do not immediately begin the work of staying there, we could eventually be worse off than if we had never reached orbit. Reentrance into the atmosphere of a dying love is a searing experience indeed.

Analogies can take us only so far. Romantic love is not a rocket, nor are we destined for some isolated orbit with our beloved. Unlike a rocket, romantic love has the capacity to renew itself, for it moves in season-like cycles. We can--and will, if we stay in the relationship long enough to see love all the way through--fall in love with our beloved all over again. Not with the same explosive intensity, but with real power and possibly more pervasively than before.

Of course, these rebirths of love are often preceded by stormy periods of seeming to fall out of love. Fortunately, in working things through, a couple will discover that testing only strengthens love.