There is More Than One Way to Listen

There is more than one way to listen. We can listen as if scanning incoming data, listening for something that might interest us, like surfing the web, or channel hopping with a remote. Remote is what we are, just looking on, not really involved or connected. This is a self-centered kind of listening, with a “what’s in it for me?” mentality.

If you really want to hear another, you need to listen with your heart as well as your ears. It takes some work to learn how to do that, how to sit still patiently and just listen, not react, formulate or interrupt. Two of the most important principles for hearing with the heart are to, 1) Listen actively, while letting the other finish; and 2) Listen deeply for the passion behind the other’s words.

The first principle is the most difficult to put into practice. As we listen to another we react, we think, we feel; we want to put in our “two-cents” worth; we want to defend ourselves, explain ourselves, correct, enhance, modify what is being said. We want to debate, disagree; or we want to affirm, agree then take charge of the conversation.

Yet if you really want to hear another through listening with your heart, you must give that person respectful space to formulate thoughts and express convictions. Very few of us know in advance exactly what we are feeling and thinking and want to say. Most of us need time to mutter our way to clarity. Kahlil Gibran says that all things begin in the mist and move towards crystal. This is certainly true of most conversations.

If you are attempting to tell another what you feel, especially if it is important to you, and you sense that the other wants you to hurry up, you might never get to what you really feel. For you will pick up the pace, and in so doing you will immediately streamline what is going on inside; you will no longer feel permitted to let your process, proceed at its own rate.

Sometimes the frustration another feels in communicating has less to do with the topic and more to do with the fact that we are not willing to listen or worse not interested in that person’s thoughts and feelings. We tend to live on the surface and are uncomfortable with our own or another’s depths.

When you take the time and evidence a genuine interest in hearing another all the way through to clarity, what you hear will likely surprise you. There will be things you didn’t realize the other thought or thought in that way; even the familiar might be seen in a new light.

Second, once you let the other finish, you are better able to probe for the passion behind the words. Whether you agree with what the other said, you can respectfully explore the intensity behind the other’s rush of words. Assume nothing, but questions such as: Why is this important to you? What experiences led you to this viewpoint? What values are operating here?

Through this process, you may discern mutual concerns beneath apparent disagreement. As an example, a pro-lifer and pro-choicer may realize they share a passion about the quality of life for children. Or the defender of family values and the proponent of gay marriage may discover they share a passion about commitment and consecrated sexuality.

Discovering such mutuality may not resolve any arguments. But it can definitely enhance how well we are able to hear one another. Hearing well is essential to caring well.