Must Say Yes No Longer Applies At Utah School Valentine’s Dance

OGDEN, UT — A well-intentioned policy to promote inclusion and kindness at an annual sixth-grade Valentine’s Day dance in Ogden, Utah, is getting a second look after a mom complained that requiring girls to say “yes” to any boy who asks for a dance sends a message that girls can’t say “no.”

Under the long-standing protocol, both boys and girls in the Kanesville Elementary School sixth grade were asked to fill out dance cards of classmates they wanted to dance with at the event, which was scheduled during school hours Wednesday. But mom Natalie Richard said it’s out of step with the #MeToo movement.

The Weber School District said it’s changing the policy and has “advised our schools to eliminate any sort of language in the instructions surrounding these dances that would suggest a student must dance with another student,” spokeswoman Lane Findlay said in a statement

"In the best interest of our students, we are re-examining the procedures surrounding these dances and will make any necessary changes to promote a positive environment where all students feel included and empowered in their choices," Findlay said.

Richard told KSTU-TV she thought her daughter misunderstood when her teacher told her she had to accept a dance if a boy asked.

“Oh no, no honey,” she told her daughter at the time. “You guys are misunderstanding again. That’s not how it is.”

So she pressed for more context.

“The teacher said she ... has to say yes. She has to accept and I said, ‘Excuse me?’ ” Richard told the television station.

Richard raised the issue with the school principal, who she said told her the policy had been in place for years without issue. Richard said she understands the reasoning behind the protocol, but said there are more appropriate ways to promote inclusion and kindness.

Though the policy has been rescinded, the seed already has been planted.

“Psychologically, my daughter keeps coming to me and saying I can't say 'no' to a boy,” she said. “That's the message kids are getting.”

Julie Valentine, a nursing professor at Brigham Young University specializing in trauma and other issue related to sexual assault, agrees with Richard.

“I have significant concerns about what it teaches children about consent,” Valentine told the Salt Lake City Tribune. “We have to teach very early that kids have bodily autonomy, that they have the ability to consent regarding activity, regarding what part of their bodies is touched.”

The issue is two-sided, said Brittany Magera, whose daughter and nephew are both sixth graders. She told the Salt Lake City newspaper her nephew would be “crushed” if he were required to dance with a girl not of his choosing Like Richard, she said her daughter would get the message that she had to say yes.

Her family has felt real consequences of boys who won’t take no for an answer and had to get police involved when her daughter, 9 at the time, was threatened by a boy who wanted to be her “boyfriend.”

But under the former policy, “she can’t say no if this guy asks her to dance,” Magera said.

Mom Veronica Hardman wasn’t too concerned the policy promoted gender stereotypes or reinforced cultural norms that girls are unkind if they say no. But she also didn’t think the rule was useful.

“You should be able to say yes or no to anybody,” Hardman, whose son planned to attend the dance, told the Salt Lake City newspaper. “Life is rejection. You do get rejected.”

In the statement, Findlay said the old policy “does raise some questions about the rule n the instructions that are given.”

“We certainly understand the concern and would never want to promote a mindset where students don’t feel like they have the option to say no,” Findlay said.

Photo by Supachita Krerkkaiwa/Shutterstock