Drinking Through a Straw - Part 3

Sometimes I think this is not happening to me.  I see myself hovering near the ceiling looking down at this fellow who looks much like me struggling with walking, speaking, eating and swallowing.  I am feeling really sad for him and happy that it’s not happening to me.

But of course it is.

It’s not unlike looking back at decisions I have made and visualizing how things would have turned out if only I had taken that job, not said the stupid things I did to one boss or another, or studied harder in school.  If only, if only, if only ……

Ah regrets - there is no end to inventing a better past if I let myself go down that road.  Its easy to imagine how happy, prosperous and healthy I would have been if only…

Of course, it did not work when all I was regretting was the consequences of bad decisions.  No matter how much I tried to reimagine my past, I still found myself in the same place in the present. I was not richer, more successful or more prominent in reality.   So if that act of creative imagination (aka denial) did not work for those simple decisions, it certainly will not work now facing my ALS.

So when people ask me how I can be so accepting of my disease, my response is “What’s the choice?”

Whether I accept or deny my ALS will not affect what happens to my motor neurons and muscles.  Choosing acceptance over denial will, however, make an important difference in the quality of my life and the lives of the family and friends around me. 

But wishful thinking is not only applicable to the past – we can try to imagine ourselves in a much better future that we are likely to actually encounter.  I spoke recently with an old friend whose husband died suddenly and unexpectedly a number of years ago.  We talked about our comparative agonies - having so much ripped out from under with no opportunity to prepare or say those last unsaid things, or facing a long and steady decline in which saying goodbye was about all that was left.  We agreed that each option had its pluses and minuses, but in the end we are not given that choice. 

Hopefully my time to say goodbye will drag on for a while, because there are so many thanks to convey, so many hugs to share and so much I still must learn and perhaps even teach.  But I know that I am fortunate to be standing on a strong base of reality, and can look up and wink at my alter ego staring down from the ceiling and hope he does not hurt himself when he falls.

More:

Drinking Through a Straw Part 1  and Part 2