WE-focus-ing away from YOU

When WE want a reply from another member of our WE, why don’t WE ask for a WE-focused response?

All too often, WE ask things in a YOU-focused manner:

1.      “Where do you think YOU are going?”

2.      "When are YOU coming home?”

3.      "Why did YOU do that?"

4.      "Where were YOU?"

When WE were in truth far more interested in a WE-focused reply:

1.      When will WE be together to go to eat (go to a movie & etc.)?

2.      How can or will WE handle, deal with (the results, the impact of) whatever happened?

3.      How can WE (handle the impact of tardiness) and be together in the future?

The problem is that most of have learned to instinctively flinch away from YOU-focused questions of adults. Throughout our  childhood we heard adults ask, say to us:  “Where are YOU going?”

1.      “Where were YOU?”

2.      “What are YOU doing here?”

3.      Why did YOU do that?

As a result most of us have a deeply-ingrained automatic response to being YOU-ed.

1.      We defend (It wasn't my fault")

2.      Deny ("I didn't do it")

3.      Minimize (What's the big deal? It wasn't so bad.")

4.      Blame or deflect. ("It wasn’t me, they did it.”)

Unintentionally You-ing our partners produces a defensive ME-based defensive reply and misses the point of our inquiry altogether.

So why not WE-focus?

Why not ask for that WE are actually interested in?

1.      When will WE be together to go to eat (go to a movie & etc.)?

2.      How can or will WE handle, deal with (the results from, the impact of) whatever happened?

3.      How can WE (handle the impact of tardiness) and be together in the future?

Offers, Paul@relationshipliteracy.com