Part of our sacred role as parents and mentors building character and self-discipline in boys can be to use each failure and success as an opportunity to teach discernment. To this end, it's important to ask yourself two questions:
1) What growth does my son's self-esteem actually need in both the short and long term?
2) What reasoning/thinking skills can I teach my son as I help him with this particular incident of failure or success?
Boys have short-term and long-term self-esteem needs, and they often want to think out solutions to their problems and difficulties in both terms.
Answering the first question, the parent is challenged both to help with short-term pain and to envision how pain can lead to future strength and growth.
Answering the second question, the parent provides practical strategies for character building and growth.
To illustrate this, let's say your son has failed at a sporting event. You can help him reason through (discern) this failure by examining with him what happened, the circumstances that affected the outcome, and how much the boy was or was not in control of those circumstances.
Or let's say your three-year-old boy hits his sister in retaliation for her throwing a toy at him. After removing him from the altercation and giving him time to settle down, you can talk about what happened -- removal, calm down, then discernment. You can explain to him that it's wrong to hit his sister no matter what she has done. You can reassure him you will also help his sister understand she isn't supposed to throw her toys either. After a short conversation, you can mete out consequences for his actions. In order to confirm that your son learned some discernment, you can make sure he verbalizes as much back to you as he can.
Let's ratchet this up a bit.
What if your third-grader hits a classmate on the playground? Handling this incident in the same way as with the younger boy may not help an older boy grasp the scope of wrongness of his actions. He needs greater discernment now regarding intention. In other words, he may not need as much help knowing the wrongness of what he's done -- he probably realizes that -- but now he needs to understand how and why he arrived at the decision to hit his classmate.
The older the boy, the more deeply you can reason with him in understanding the intent of his actions. Gradually, as as much as possible, connect this discernment to men, fathers, grandparents, heroes, Jesus, and other icons of character your son already admires to help him discern and manage his intentions and actions more fruitfully in the future.
Discernment Doesn't Feel Good (And That's Okay)
The discernment process can involve a lot of bad feelings -- sad, painful, stressful feelings. But this could be okay for long-term development. You facilitate self-discipline and strong character in your son by helping him feel bad about what he did through the process of having to discern and then explain his motives and actions.
The "feeling bad" here might seem to harm his self-esteem in the moment, since he may cry and feel awful, but in the long run, it builds self-esteem, character, and self-discipline.
A little guilt is just fine, and sometimes a heavy does of guilt is necessary.
And with boys this age and older, discernment is not just about internal motives but also about what to do. Good character is a matter of doing, action, work.
"Son, what are you going to do?"
This is crucial discernment in which intention regarding the bad action in the recent past connects with future intentions for better action. As you ask what the son is going to do in the future, you might also say, "You are grounded for a week." The consequence is part of the character-development process if it is not just about taking away something the boy prizes (like his freedom) but also an opportunity for him to discern and develop a plan of redemptive action.
The above is excerpted from Raising Boys By Design: What the Bible and Brain Science Reveal About What Your Son Needs To Thrive by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, and Michael Gurian.