A Stay-at-Home Mom Returns to Work

When I first considered the idea of starting a family and having children, I was in the free-wheeling days of my teens and I was convinced that I would wait until I was 30 to give birth to my first after spending half a decade in a fulfilling career in the city.  I was also convinced that once I did bring new life into this world, I would happily and selflessly care for them myself as a stay-at-home mother, busy with playdate, craft projects, co-ops and day trips.

I am now nearing age 32; I have two vibrant children and have been out of full-time work for more than five years.  I live in a suburb an hour away from my favorite concrete jungle and my days become less and less satisfying as I am raising my kids.  The pb&j routine isn't cutting it anymore and I'm too unmotivated to be any more inspired.

While I’ve tried to stand firmly in the SAHM camp for these past five years, I’ve felt a mix of guilt, anxiety, pride and accomplishment.

The pros for me being home with my kids are great.  I’ve seen them grow and change and meet the milestones big and small.  I’ve helped shape these little people with manners and social awareness that I believe to be crucial.  I’ve laughed and loved and learned of the personalities and character of my kids and have been given a great opportunity to personally teach them a wide array of skills and life lessons.  I've fed them what I felt was right, read them what I felt was necessary and fostered their being in ways I felt most appropriate.  That is not to be overlooked.

The cons for me being home have also been many.  I’ve had great difficulty in finding day-to-day success in many components of raising my children over the past five years: managing teething, weighing benefits of timeouts and other disciplinary actions, choosing medicines deemed less life altering, among others. And my self-esteem suffered from the never-ending feelings of incompetence amid stressful decision making.  Co-sleep or cry-it-out?  Organic food or not?  Mandatory independence or forced family time?

It’s difficult to write and share the honesty of my unsatisfied perspective as I do know how lucky I am to have been given the opportunity to be home.  I don’t regret the time spent at home raising my kids and would absolutely choose to do it again.  My biggest concern may be that I'm not doing right by them by staying home.  Are my feelings of restlessness affecting their happiness?  Does my short fuse create caution?  Is my sadness making them feel bad?

Although I’ve struggled with the monotony of staying home, I’m very proud of my children and their growth as strong, unique and loving individuals.  So it was with great consideration and many, many hours of contemplation that I committed to returning to the work force full time.  In a somewhat selfish effort to find myself and fulfill a great longing for a corporate responsibility, I’ve switched teams, and perspectives, and challenges, and fears with my former self.  No longer classified as "Stay-At-Home", I’ll be "Working Mom."  I’ll still be battling dinner time decisions but with new hurdles.  I’ll still be trying to balance family, friends and finances, but now with a whole new set of rules, and with much more limited hours in the day.  I’m excited.  I’m terrified.  I’m anxious.  I’m relieved.

I’m also learning.  I’m learning that my control over the homestead is no longer absolute – since my husband will be taking on the main role of day-to-day facetime parent (and I am extremely grateful that he works in a profession which also allows for this arrangement).  I’m learning to be better organized and be more diligent and efficient in meal planning and shopping trips.  Above all, I’m learning how to be more appreciative of my family and my kids.  My limited time with them each day should be filled with anticipation of hugs and heartfelt chats instead of the sometimes dreadful feelings and impatience that too often accompany a long night or a string of rainy days.  Although staying at home didn’t work out for me as long as I’d hoped, I know it does for many women and these are the ones I admire and wish I could be more like.  But I also have to realize that we’re all different and that my working doesn’t mean I love my kids any less.  For me, and my family, it could be my answer to loving them enough.

A good working friend told me, “It’s not about the quantity of time you spend with your kids, but the quality of it.”  And I look forward to finding that out.  It's a crazy ride.