Making Friends as Parents

Growing up, I didn’t have many girlfriends nor did I feel the need for them.  I didn’t understand or buy into the unwritten rules that often came with female relationships, including adhering to a social pecking order, competing for boyfriends and comparing bra sizes.  Befriending boys was refreshing for the lack of drama and ease of self – though it didn’t win me any further points with the girls.  With my emotional and often negative experience with girls, I felt I didn’t need them in my life and they held less and less value as I grew up.

Flash forward to my adult years and my attitude has spun around 180 degrees.  Not only have my women friends become an essential part of my life, but also of my family.  The value of these ladies in my life is immeasurable; the boys just cannot compare for depth of friendship.

Moving to 'the sticks' five years ago left a serious void in my world.  Having left a satisfying full time job, the convenience, culture and thrill of my city social life, non-breeding friends and quick access to my extended family, I was looking at a fresh start all for the sake of raising my kids in an area I deemed a requirement in what I wanted for my children to experience.

As I clung to the life raft of my antidepressants, brought on post-partum, I realized I needed a support system to help me break the monotony of raising a newborn and to bust through the loneliness; and my old network either wasn’t close enough or unable to relate to my situation (often times both).  I knew I needed some outlet and some friends who could offer advice or enjoy a well-deserved glass of wine to celebrate making it through the day.  But having been out of school and work, I needed to find the ladies who were just like me.  I needed to meet people again.  I needed to be submersed back into the social scene – which was now completely new and foreign to me.  Where do I find them?

I started by bringing my young daughter to Kindermusik class and buying a zoo membership.  If anything, we’d at least get out of the house and start an education.  I also sought out area parks like Cedarview and local free events such as the library toddler reading times.  I signed up for class after class including The Little Gym and swim lessons.  I did nearly everything I could to be active and involved, but the pieces were slow to come together.  I realized I needed to be more open and vulnerable to make the connections I wanted and found myself talking to people in the grocery line just to get some adult interaction.

Slowly but surely, I began to see familiar faces at the various events and striking up conversation led to more and more confidence.  I realized that there is a world of moms out there who want the same thing I was looking for, but we’re all a bit hesitant.  No one likes rejection.  As if dating again, it takes time to know if something is going to work out and you don’t always know on the first or second date.

In the five short years I’ve lived on the Plateau, I’ve found my confidence as an adult, a parent and a woman.  And I’ve found my life friends: the women I believe are going to go the distance.  I’ve found these friends through various play and learning groups, church and Starbucks. They support my ideas and tolerate my quirks.  They’ve seen my house in disarray and have shown me their clutter (a sign of true friendship).  They enjoy my kids and we share parenting stories.

There is always change and people come and go, but I’m so grateful and blessed with the friends I’ve met here that I can’t see a time without them in both mine and my kids’ lives.

Unlike family, friends know you for what and who you are today without comparison to what you once were and without sibling rivalry or consequence of birth order.  In many ways, they become our family -- I vacation with them as often as with my husband and kids.   These ladies have made me a better person and a better parent.

One of my favorite things about these friendships is that I'm modeling the need and care of personal relationships to my children.  Hopefully my kids will appreciate all the people in their lives instead of focusing unnecessarily on a single best friend.  I’m hoping that they will have kindness and play with an open-minded and non-judgmental character and develop a well-rounded group of peers that will each support and benefit their myriad of needs, peculiarities and interests.

Although many refer to a memorable high school or college pal as ‘best friend,’ I believe that that title shouldn’t exist and instead we focus on those around us as the best of friends.  If the only friends you see are the ones on Facebook, it may be time to get out of your comfort zone and open up to meeting new people.  The people who live and grow with us are our true friends and it takes more than an annual night out to maintain that.