Day Two and Three

 Yesterday was hard. Emotionally so. First, a family member who I am estranged from asked to go with me. There was some back and forth about whether or not that was a good idea. Of course as always, logic was overridden by hope and love. It was my mistake. 

 The morning started with a text at 8:10AM  from this person "I can't take you today. I'm sorry. Good luck" followed moments later by, "Just kidding I can make it work I'll be there" I did not reply.  How do you reply to something like that? I do not know. I should have just gone alone. I should have seen it for what it was, but I did not. It was a very tense, cold affair. All the long drive to Seattle, nothing to say. I must stop here and say, I love Virginia Mason. They take such good care of me. They work around things and take the time to get to know you. My doctors and their staff are compassionate and caring and I will never have the words to express that adequately. From Eliane, who always checks me in and has treats and water for Edgar, the staff on the 5th Floor who work at the food kiosk where I stop for something to drink and cheese for Edgar, the valet attendants who are so helpful getting me in and out on time. I really needed those touchstones yesterday and am thankful they were there. Most of the time my driver sat away from me. This person who, no car or plane could ever bridge the distance that has grown between us.  It made it all more difficult. Her reminder that we would never be family again. What does one do with the love no longer wanted? It seemed so cruel. I have trouble aligning people's actions with my emotional attachment to them. I had to come to terms with  that yesterday. She did stay with me for the Hematology appointment and as soon as the doctor said I was on the spectrum between some new autoimmune disorder or cancer and because the monoclonal protein had not been detected in July he was hopeful it was more likely to be a new autoimmune issue, I tuned to this person I love so dearly and without a word she left the room to make a call. I wanted her to say that it would be okay or anything really. But no. I do not know what I had pictured, but her response was not it. The doctor pointed out that I was retaining fluid in my legs, I hadn't noticed. I have stopped monitoring the changes my body is making. What is important and what is not? I am a stranger to myself. The carrying case for my soul has mutinied. We too have become estranged. He jotted notes and ordered tests. My driver came back in time to go with me to the lab to give more blood that someone will draw, divide and fortune tell my future with. The ride home was just as strained with so much between us and nothing at all. I slept as much as I could. Without any good byes or even a touch we were separated again. I should have known better. I always make that mistake. As much as I learn and I try to grow, I will always leave room for grace, because I ask to live in it everyday, but I should have known not to trust. Mixing these two things together was too much. Health and divorce issues. But how do I push someone away when they express concern and ask to be there for me? It had not occurred to me that she was there for someone else. Today I am waiting for results. They must have them by now. They stamped STAT on the form. I want to call but I will wait. Day three is just waiting and coming to terms with the truth about people who are in my life and those who are not and to remember to keep that wall up.  There are only two names on my divorce papers, clearly there should have been more.