Terry Bader on Empathy vs. Sympathy and How to Practice It

People often confuse sympathy for empathy. Unbeknownst to most, they are two very different feelings and reactions. Of course, empathy or sympathy is felt because someone we know or love is going through distress or tragedy, but we will feel either sympathy or empathy. Sympathy is a feeling of care and concern for someone. This simply means you don’t like seeing them upset or sad and would like to see them happier.

Empathy, on the other hand, is felt when you share their perspective or emotions. Empathy can be felt for a loved one or even a fictional character. If someone can recognize another person’s perspective and then share their emotions, then they are feeling empathy for them. Empathy is a two step feeling: recognizing their perspective then sharing that emotion. These emotions can range from sadness to anger and even joy.

It’s important to be able to use empathy throughout life. Empathizing as a skill will help you treat better the way you would want to treated, it will give you clearer understanding of perception other have of you, and understand the negativity of others by recognizing their motivations and fears. This will lead you to becoming a better leader and a better friend. Empathy gives people the tools they need to go further in life because it allows them to have a better understanding of the people around them.

To practice empathy, you must first listen. By actively listening to what they say and how they say it, you are welcoming the chance to get their point of you. Take the conversation slow and listen to what they have to say instead of constantly thinking of what to say to them next. This way, you have the chance to consider the speaker’s motivation and understand what life events have brought them to this feeling or point-of-view. Also remember that your response to what they’re saying is just as important as listening. Try to start with verbal sound like “oh” and “ah”. After a couple seconds follow up with some questions to gain a better understanding about where they are coming from.

Another way of practicing empathy is to simply look around and wonder. Instead of trying to think about what you’ll be having for dinner that night or reading magazine, take a look at what people are doing around you. Think to yourself: Who is this person? What are they going through? Where have they been? What are they doing? Think about what emotions they could be going through and care about them, even you have no idea who they are.

A harder practice of empathy is to look into the past. Think back to a time you had a fight or disagreement with someone. Often bringing up such memories makes a person think about their own anger a frustration over whatever happens. But instead thinking of your emotions, think of the person you had the disagreement with. Think about their side of the story and why they felt this way. What motivations or fears led them to having this disagreement with you? By looking at their point-of-view, you’ll have entirely different understanding of why the disagreement happened in the first place.

The best way to have better empathy is to take on a third person perspective. Understanding another person’s emotions and motivations is difficult to do, especially if it’s coming from a point-of-view you don’t necessarily agree with. But empathy is not agreeing with their perspective; empathy is recognizing this perspective and then understanding their emotions behind it. It’s not an easy skill to practice, but one everyone in life should.

Terry Bader is an experienced and compassionate social worker in Tacoma, Washington. She has over 27 years of experience and is committed to providing unparalleled service to her clients. Read more of her divorce support or check out her Twitter!

Originally published at terrybader.com on October 2, 2018.