Sexual Attraction and Soul Mates

This topic has come up several times with clients in recent weeks and months and thus, it must be I am to write about it! Sexual attraction, as far as I have been able to determine it, is fundamentally a soul question that our spirit has the answer for. Yes, hormones and the biological imperative to reproduce the species play a part. But even hormones and biology have a degree of consciousness that plays into the deeper soul question.

The soul question that inevitably is in every instance of sexual attraction is “Do you complete me?” to paraphrase the line from the Jerry McGuire movie. In other words, there are places in us that do not feel complete or whole and the attractive person, either someone known or unknown, represents to our subconscious what we don’t feel we have in our own selves.

This is seen very dramatically in the Jungian based Myers-Briggs personality types. The vast majority of us choose mates whose personality is the “opposite” of ours in 3 to 4 out of 4 categories. For example if you mostly function as a T (thinker) you are much more likely to choose a mate who mostly functions as an F (feeler) and vice versa. I put opposite in quotes because the personality qualities are not on an either/or scale but rather a continuum. Thus, they do not mean that a thinker cannot feel or a feeler cannot think. All of us have both parts to us, but we prefer and are energized by operating on one side of the spectrum. To operate on the other side takes more energy, effort, and conscious intention to learn and utilize those underdeveloped skills.

From what I have seen energetically and spiritually, this is true not only about personality but also about ANY quality on some level a person thinks or feels they do not have. For example, a client came in for an appointment obsessed about a new woman. He said, “She’s a real friend, but I’m not ready to jump into a relationship with her, but I can NOT stop thinking about her. What do I do?”

“Well,” I queried, “What does she have in her personhood or what quality is in her that you don’t feel you have?”

He thought a moment and replied thoughtfully, “She’s so self-confident. I wish I had that self-confidence.”

“When you claim self-confidence for yourself, rather than thinking subconsciously that you need her in order to get that self-confidence, your obsession with her will stop,” I offered.

“OH!” he remarked, very surprised.

The next time he came to see me a few months later, I learned his obsession with this particular woman had ended quite soon after I suggested he claim self-confidence for himself. He had also recently begun a relationship with someone else: much less intense, perhaps more balanced.

I could go into why your hormones respond to the “opposites attract” rule but it really comes down to the same thing. We are looking for our wholeness, looking for a way to develop all of who we are. This is a pretty tall order and we need others to show us either through direct teaching or example, what it looks like to develop our underdeveloped qualities. When you can acknowledge a sexual attraction though as your body’s way of trying to tell you to pay attention to what you think you lack, it can be a fantastic tool for spiritual transformation.

I should note that you can also be attracted not just based on qualities you desire, but also qualities you don’t own in yourself. For example, if you have an emotionally repressed shadow you might find yourself attracted to a mate who lacks integrity. Or if you have an aggressive shadow, you might find yourself attracted to someone who is very passive. This, too, is a matter of the soul’s need to integrate all of its parts, even the less desirable aspects of human nature, and find balance and heal within.

This leads to the even the larger karmic question of soulmates. With souls you have traveled with through many lives, you may have some unresolved issues that attract them to you in this life. Yet, it is still based on finding your original wholeness.

How does your spirit (the part of you that is divine and is always in union with all that is) answer this question? Your spirit is already whole. Every one’s spirit is whole. However, we are all healing back into our original wholeness by reintegrating (“re-membering”) all of our forgotten parts. The more inner integration work that you do, the more you can make choices consciously through thoughts and feelings of love and peace rather than subconsciously, through thoughts and feelings of lack, limitations, and fear, and this includes choosing a mate.

I should clarify that I am using the word “soul” as the layer over your divine spirit that has traveled through life times. In these manifested “travels” your soul experiences duality: light and shadow, extroverted and introverted, etc. until your soul can embrace it all, hold the dualities and the paradoxes and transcend them into non-dual unity and wholeness. It’s all a holy process, no matter who, what, or how we choose, consciously or subconsciously. So no worries! Just claim the best, learn from the worst, and LOVE it all!