Growing Pains

Remember when you were a kid and you had your whole life planned out?  Here’s a sample of mine at about age 8:  Graduate high school, then college, get married by 20-something, buy a house, have at least two kids etc....  Then you start living your life and realize that things don’t always unfold how you had planned or imagined.  Thank goodness life has a mind of its own at times.  How would I have met my Polish husband in Italy otherwise?

I am currently grappling with one of those life projection vs. life reality conflicts. Is having more than one child in the cards for us? When is the right time to have another child?  Up until about six months ago I never would have said that a single child family was an option for us.  It wasn’t in my plans or heart.  Of course we would have more than one.  Why wouldn’t we?  Who does that by choice?  Have you ever met an only child who was happy about it?  I grew up with siblings, and while you can’t choose your family, they are still your family.  Your siblings just get things that no one else can, regardless of how close you are. 

Thanks to the stresses resulting from an unstable economy, I have been faced with the reality that our beloved little one just might be an only child.  There are some people who say that there is never a “good” time to have a second child.  You just do it and make it work. They don’t even consider finances.  A huge part of me is firmly in that camp.  I’m amazed at how we have made life work with one child on one income.  But, as more time passes, and I have more conversations with other families having similar discussions, I find myself being more and more open to having an only child.  Just under half of my friends with one child feel that they will remain that way. 

I have a couple of friends pregnant with their first who already feel that one child will be enough.  With the state of the economy, the crazy cost of healthcare, expensive childcare and the trend of couples starting families so much later than they used to, will single child families become more of a norm?

I recently had a great discussion with a friend of mine who is an only child.  I expressed some of my concerns to her about giving my daughter the best childhood possible as an only child.  She cannot say enough about what a great childhood she had.  She wasn’t lonely or over protected and is very social.  Her extremely tight and lasting bonds with girlfriends she attributes to the fact that she didn’t grow up with siblings.  She has a daughter the same age as mine and is fairly certain they are not having more.  Of course, you worry about the labels and stereotypes applied to only children.  She wisely pointed out that you have a label whether you are the oldest, middle, youngest, a twin or only child.  How right she is.  Having siblings is not a guarantee for a “normal” childhood or a well adjusted human being.

The older my daughter gets, the older I get and the more life becomes rebalanced, I wonder if I could or would even want to go back into the fog and chaos that a new baby brings.  Not to mention the stress on a marriage.  When my mom had her third child she was two years younger than I was when I had my first.  When I think about finances and the “just make it work” camp, I also hear Suze Orman screaming in my ear about how irresponsible it is to have more children you can’t afford. Will my daughter’s childhood be richer with less stressed parents and no siblings, or will she be lonely, socially awkward and always longing for a brother or sister?      

I am officially torn.  My heart is still tied to the idea of what I thought a family should be. We would be missing out on something if we didn’t try for a second.  But the logic in me chants quality over quantity and tells me to let go of old concepts and to roll with the present.  Having another child is a decision you can’t undo but probably won’t regret. Not having another child is also a decision you can’t undo and might very well regret. 

Regardless of how things unfold, I feel so unbelievably blessed with the family I have.  If we do decide to not have more than one child I have a feeling we will be in good company.