Maternal Guilt Gene

Something no one tells you before you have a baby is that in addition to giving birth to another human being you also give birth to the Maternal Guilt Gene or MGG. 

The love you have for your baby is unbelievable, as is the insane amount of guilt that you can have about nearly everything!  Something just switches in our coding to make us feel irrationally guilty about using a wipe that was too cold, not changing a diaper the instant it became wet, doing too many errands, not reading enough to the baby, not having every latest toy that will sprout the child’s brilliance, too few trips to the zoo, not enough fresh air, talking on the phone too much, rushing bedtime, not enough patience, a less than perfect breakfast, saying too many curse words and on it goes...  (Emmy-winning writer Teresa Strasser does a brilliant job of writing about mommy guilt on her blog here.) 

Thankfully, my MGG, for the most part has calmed down dramatically since becoming a new mother nearly three years ago.  There is still one type of guilt, however, that continues to have a stronghold on me.  I have the hardest time taking time for myself and away from our child.  My ability to think about my own interests and follow through on exploring them gets suffocated by my MGG.  I know I am not alone in my struggle.  It’s a guilt with which many mothers wrestle. 

My daughter now goes to preschool three mornings a week and it’s amazing.  I feel more balanced and like myself than I have since becoming a mother.  Of course, my MGG starts tugging at me, telling me that I should feel guilty about that sentiment.  But, then my rational mind kicks in and reminds me that I am a much happier person and mother when I have time to myself, away from my beloved child and her steady stream of “why” questions and demands for my attention.  Not to mention the benefits of her enjoying the company and stimulation of other children and adults.

A friend of mind whose 14-month old boy recently started walking and has seriously been keeping her on her toes, asked me, somewhat shyly, the other day, “So, do you feel different now that she’s in preschool and you have time to yourself?”  I answered with a resounding “hell yes I do!”  She’s been at home with her little guy nearly the entire 14 months and now that he’s officially a toddler, she is not only physically exhausted but mentally as well.  She proudly called me later that day and shared that our conversation gave her the gumption to put her guy in the pack-n-play for 30 minutes while she ran on the treadmill.  Guess what?  She felt so much better, energized, her patience tank no longer on empty and her little guy had a perfectly fun time playing, listening to music and watching mommy exercise.  

Some of you may be thinking that it’s crazy that it was even hard for my friend to take 30 minutes for herself, but hey, being a mom means being crazy sometimes.  I am truly in awe of mothers who successfully maintain a healthy connection to their non-child related desires.  We hear all of the time that mothers often forget to put themselves on the list.  We’re so busy giving all of ourselves to our children that we forget that we are still people, separate from our children and that we shouldn’t feel guilty about fostering our souls.  In fact, self-care and continuing to follow our passions and interests is one of the best examples you can set for your child. 

I remember watching Oprah years ago and some expert saying that our children learn how to treat themselves not only by how we treat them but also by how they see us treat ourselves.  If a child sees a mom who never models putting herself first then how does that child learn the skill of putting him or herself first?  She may know that she is very loved by her parents but doesn’t have a good example of how one loves themself.

Christy Turlington addresses this very topic in her latest blog post for the Today Show, “I believe that because we are so deeply enriched by the work we do, we illustrate daily that life is a balancing act and that while we both may wear many hats in our jobs and work very hard, we have chosen how to make the most of the incredible opportunities presented to us. Most importantly, I hope that my children will see their parents as having lives made rich through experience and diverse interests.”

I think that I need to post these words up on my bathroom mirror to remind myself that following my interests and passions, even if they take me away from my daughter once in awhile, does not mean that I don’t love her or that I’m a bad mother.  Part of being a good mother is letting go of some of the mommy guilt and remaining an interested, fulfilled and happy person in the effort to also create interested, fulfilled and happy children.