MOM TALK: Touchy and Tumultuous

I recently posed a topic to some moms I personally know--and moms via an Internet group-- regarding the career choices and adjustments they made after having a baby.  I consider this to be a common conversation that women generally speak about freely and without a lot of emotional charge.

In general, I had never viewed this topic to be offensive or too personal to broach with other moms.  Not like the choices surrounding breastfeeding. THAT is a very personal topic and one that I would expect to meet with some tight lips and a lot of emotion. 

Turns out, asking about the career choices that women make after baby and their motivations is also a conversation that can be met with a lot of unsettled energy and touchy responses. 

My decision to stay at home with my daughter after she was born and completely leave the working world was easy.  I never, not for one second, had any doubt that staying at home was the right choice for our family, our daughter, my heart and me.  Was it an easy transition?  Absolutely not.  Is the financial, emotional and mental stress still overwhelming at times?  Absolutely.  But, do I ever feel regret, shame, resentment or hesitance about sharing my thought process to stay at home?  No.

In full disclosure, I have never been a career-driven person.  I have not ever defined myself, my life or my worth by what I “do” for a living and for money.  I feel honest in saying that I usually lead and live with my heart.  As a result I probably don’t have as much “stuff” as the career driven people out there.  I’m OK with that.  Like I said, that doesn’t drive my insides and I have a good life. 

The “career” I had before having a baby didn’t bank enough money to make the stress of two working parents and a child in 40-plus hours of daycare a week worth it.  I have my lack of interest in “climbing the ladder” to thank for what was an easy decision to leave the working world and be at home with my daughter after she was born.  I feel very lucky.

What I now realize is that there are a lot of women who aren’t so happy or secure with their career choices after having a baby and as a result, aren’t comfortable speaking openly about it.  I know some moms who absolutely loved their careers and had planned on going back after the allotted maternity leave, but for a variety of reasons, whether financial or emotional, made the hard decision to stay at home with their babies and sacrifice a great career and source of enjoyment. 

I know some other moms who feel forced to stay at their jobs because their paycheck is necessary for the family.  When that four-month period (if you’re lucky to get that much time) quickly arrives and the maternity leave is coming to a close, a lot, dare I say most, women are in tears and anxiety about leaving their baby and going back to work.  The importance of work and career inevitably shift. 

Some moms are lucky enough to strike a balance of part-time work and are able to have the best of both worlds.  I know a few work-at-home moms who are able to experience the balance of adult stimulation, contribute financially to the household and still be available for the children.  I have to admit, that after 2.5 years of being at home with my daughter, that is my dream scenario.  Again, completely my opinion for my situation. 

I respect the process that every woman goes through when making choices about career after baby.  It can be a very difficult period.  Our culture does not make that transition easy.  Every woman has to do what is right for her situation.  I do not judge a mom for loving work, having to work or for staying at home full time. 

I wish that new mothers could feel less judged by society and most importantly by themselves.  Perhaps with less pressure and judgment that conversation would be easier and more honest.  I also wish that American society would value and respect new mothers and families more than it does.  I would imagine that in countries where mothers automatically get six to twelve months of maternity leave, new mothers have more space and time to make family and career choices about which they feel confident. (Maternity leave and the treatment of new mothers and babies in America is a whole other topic to discuss.) 

I’m also left wondering how a man would react when confronted with this same conversation.  Do they experience the inner tumult that women do?