Breaking Point: When Parents Need to Take Care of Themselves

When she was 16-years-old, Joanne left school to marry her boyfriend and start a family. She had grown up in a family with 12 brothers and sisters and said of that time, “We had nothing.” She plunged into a similar situation when she and her husband started their life together as teenage parents. As a young mother with three kids in five years, she rose daily at 4 a.m. to milk dairy cows no matter rain or shine, or lack of sleep or 20-below-zero wind chill in northern Wisconsin.

In talking to her about her life, it was never easy. Family dairy farming is a lot of hard work with little pay. Cows don’t wait to be milked and young children don’t wait to be fed and changed. Joanne was tough as nails, but even she had her limits. Once, after a particularly rough night of no sleep and an early morning of milking cows, her husband made a snarky remark about the disarray of the house and laundry. Incredulous, she stormed out and left him with the young children and all the work. She did not come back for a week. Joanne had no plan when she walked out. She just knew she was angry, exhausted and needed a break. The only thought she had was, “Hell, let him deal with it.”

With steam nearly pouring out of her ears, she drove away with a heavy foot on the pedal, knowing only one thing for certain: her own worth. This was the era before cell phones and no one knew where she was headed, least of all Joanne. She had no contact with her family, but after a week of cooling down, she walked silently back into the farm house.

No words were needed, as each spouse had achieved an “attitude adjustment” during their time apart. 

I met Joanne years after her kids were grown, but she told me this story and many others like it when I was a young mother facing exhaustion and feeling underappreciated. She delivered her stories matter of fact, without judgment about my family and I love her for that. There was always a clear message in each story.  It’s OK to be frustrated and tired and everyone has a breaking point. Her folk-style wisdom also conveyed that time-outs are useful tools for adults, not just kids. She also demonstrated by her nearly 50-year marriage that relationships take constant effort and we all get angry at times. Your spouse is not perfect and neither are you, so figure out a way to make it work.

For more about Joanne's story: http://permissionslips.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/the-farmers-wife/ My friend and colleague  and I take turns updating our Permission Slips blog each week.