Health & Fitness
For Sale From the Olsons
But then he's wearing his pj's all warm and cozy, snuggles up on my lap and whispers, "I love you, Mommy," and I remove the listing from the classified ads.
For Sale:
One (1) Abraham Olson, aged 3.5 Size small. Excellent condition, pleasing blue eyes/red-haired version. Shows only minor wear: one eczema patch behind right knee, slightly runny nose and scratched elbow.
Comes complete with spring/summer wardrobe, a vast collection of over 120 Thomas the Tank Engine pieces, and nursery school tuition through May, 2012. Also includes one wubby blanket (freshly laundered), two pairs of shoes (casual and dressy), one badly scratched but functional Home Alone DVD, a box of Band-Aid brand bandages, two (2) child-sized ice packs and polka records. Seller will also provide (strictly for the buyer's use): one large jar of Tylenol, a bottle of hard liquor (of buyer's choosing), one pair of Koss (TM) earphones and a referral for a reputable therapist, au pair/nanny and day care facility. All costs associated with the aforementioned professionals are the sole responsibility of the buyer.
Potential buyer is solely responsible for the following upgrades: organic meals, vacations in or outside of the continental United States, school fees (sport and otherwise), fines from the local police department for potential misdemeanor crimes committed by Abraham, European designer wardrobe, Gymboree Play and Music Class fees, driver's education classes and private university education (undergraduate and master's program).
Offer subject to change without notice. No coupons, discounts, promotions or specials apply. The seller offers no warranty, implied or otherwise. Seller offers no guarantees for Abe's behaviour during family outings, family reunions, weddings, funerals, meals in restaurants (or damage caused to dining establishments), birthday parties and/or vacations.
Seller is not responsible for damages caused by Abe, including but not limited to: bites, urination out of windows/down laundry chutes, public nudity, broken windows, flooded toilets and/or bathrooms, prank phone calls (to emergency personnel or otherwise), suspicious items placed in dishwasher, washing machine, oven and/or clothes dryer. Not responsible for damage to/destruction of said appliances. Not responsible to damage to others' homes, children and/or pets caused during play dates.
NO returns or refunds. All sales final.
