Avoiding a Valentine’s Day Massacre

Okay, girls – get out.  Like a good Deer Camp, this column is ‘Guys Only’… only less gassy. Or maybe more gassy – we have not decided yet.

Bottom line, females, you need to click the next hyperlink out of here.  You got five seconds.  Go, go, go…nothing for you to see here.  5, 4, 3, 2… 1!

Guys, it is now an estrogen free zone. You can stop holding in your gut.  Let the dog in house.  It is just us.  Get rid of that coaster.

Gentlemen, I hate call this Emergency Bro Meeting on such short notice.  But, boys, we got Trouble.  That is right, Trouble. With a capital T.  And that rhymes V and that stands for…

Valentine’s Day.  Today. This is not a test.  This is an actual emergency.

A little history: This day used to be named “Saint Valentine’s Day” – appropriately named after an early Christian martyr named Valentine.  They dropped the “Saint” back in 1969 for reasons obvious to us all.

The important thing, guys, is for you to know you are dealing with a force with a greater intensity of a thousand yellow suns. Do not look this day in the eye. You are not going to win.  Not today. Eyes down, cower, click into survival mode.

You think I am overstating the situation?  Really?  Did you watch any of the
Grammy’s last Sunday?  Quit drooling over the outfits and listen the lyrics.

Women hate men.  It is hugely popular.  Adele. Taylor Swift. Elton John. Katy Perry. We are all in trouble when Katy Perry jumps on the ‘Men Suck Bandwagon’ – she used to be one of our bigger fans. She tasted that Cherry Chapstick for us, boys. I miss her already.

Bottom line is the bottom line.  The big money goes to Angry Girl, apparently perfect, who has been painfully wronged by some jerk.  She has three minutes worth of bullets, woven into a song that soon will be part of a Body Pump Routine near you. And all her sisters will adore Angry Girl for setting the record straight.

There is one other thing we need to understand.  Gentlemen – and  I am not jumping ship here -  but we may be just a tad guilty of screwing up.  It is possible.  That is all I am saying.

I know this is scary stuff.  But lessons learned are bridges burned.  You only
need to cross them but once.  Men, together we are going to survive Valentine 2012.

We can do this. Let’s not go stupid. If you are thinking, “Oh, Valentine’s is not a big deal to her, she said so,” you need to check into rehab. Now.  Watch each other, help your brother.

Here is the Survival Drill:

Lesson 1: Word Economy. (This comes from reader Rob Clapper.) Say more with less.  “Honey, you are so beautiful,” is perfect. Go with “Honey, you are so beautiful… to me” – and you just told her the rest of world finds her hideous.

Lesson 2:  Four-part recipe to Valentine’s Day Survival.  (This comes mostly from Chaucer.) Do not stray from this list. Do not improvise. You are not that clever.  None of us are.

2.1: Card.  It is a must.  It has to contain a lot of red and touch upon
the topics of Love and Devotion and be completely void of bad sexual double entendre.

2.2: Flowers.  Red Roses. Yes, carnations are cheaper, prettier and last longer.  They will also get “Rolling in the Deep” on her V Day soundtrack – a bad, bad sign.

2.3: Candy.  Yes, I agree, somehow low fat candy does seem more thoughtful. We think we are saying we care about your diet.  But the message she gets is “he thinks I am fat.”

2.4: Gift. Some people find this the toughest of the V-4 Recipe.  You are in luck.  You are taking advice from one of the world’s greatest gift givers.  Feel free to copy me.  This year I am giving my wife a toilet.  Not just any toilet, but a Kohler… a Kohler Cimarron 2 Piece High-Efficiency.  A real beauty and frankly, a little pricey.  But hey – it’s Valentine’s Day.

(Simple rule of thumb: Kohler for Valentine’s Day, Toto for Sweetest Day.)

Toilets - more than the gift that keeps on giving, it is the gift that keeps on taking.  Hey - you could write that on the card!

There you have it, Brothers.  Stick to the drill and you should get through Valentine’s Day.  As we end this Emergency Bro Meeting, allow me this parting advice:

Never, ever date Taylor Swift.  Make it a Life Goal never to be the subject of a Taylor Swift song. And if you are currently dating any singer / songwriter, quietly leave the country. Grow a beard. Change your name.