An Ode to the Litter People

An ode to the “litter bug”:

Thanks be unto you, oh, awesome litterbug – for all the trash you toss in the street.

Thank you for affording me the honor of picking up after you all year long.

You, oh awesome litterbug, terrific trash tosser, YOU must be, you have to be, the single most important person in our town, and you know it, and are unafraid to show it.

By never stooping so low as to carry your own waste to the wastebasket – “a wastebasket is a waste” you proudly proclaim, as you leave your sandwich wrappers within arms length of the wastebasket you find so loathsome.

Gloriously enraptured with your own greatness, you generously toss garbage out your window as you hasten to your important destination, thereby allowing all of us peasants the privilege of seeing what you had for breakfast, lunch, dinner and your midnight snacks.

Thank you for sharing your big Slurpee sloppy leftovers in the gutters of our street, giving us something “useful” to do with our tax dollars.  

It’s all there, there in the street, “I saw what you had for lunch last summer!”

Many a day has gone by when I have wished for something to do, me and my pitiful little unimportant life. But YOU, oh, wonderful trivializer of the Trashcan, you have graced me with the presence of your tawdry trash, thereby giving my life meaning and hope.

I, thanks to YOU, get to stop and stoop, for you, and gather your garbage.

Tennis shoes, baby diapers, beer bottles, water bottles, underwear, (yeah, I know, it’s awesome), candy wrappers, beef jerky junk, receipts, old worn out library books, garbage bags (of course with nothing in them), cigarette and cigar butts, chew cans, as well as used cartons, old political signs, stuff that in all of my ignorance don’t even know what it is…

You have blessed my yard, our streets, our cities parking lots with your glorious garbage.

Seems your brilliance is catching on, for even when you are not around, others are doing as you have done.

I’ve seen your work in our parks, filth is building in our forests & freeways. I used to think this was the Biblical meaning of the “Blind leading the Blind” … but, wow … “holy wow,” we don’t want anyone falling into the ditch because even you might be surprised how your “litter gifts” are building up there.

So thank you for throwing your butts out your window. Thanks for sharing your slop with our city, for your garbage littering my grass. May your children do for you what you have done for me.