Being a Daddy to Your Daughters

Being a Daddy to Your Daughters

As a parent to three daughters, I have learned a few things about being a father, sometimes through painful experience and at other times through tenderness and joy. Some think that kids are just kids no matter the gender, although relatively true, each gender requires its own expertise and attention. Daddy – Daughter relationships are special in a number of ways to both she, as your daughter, and you as her father and the most important man in her early life

It’s easy to get caught up in what I call the ‘protection racket’, where you feel, as her father, your role is to protect that precious thing, above all other things, called a daughter. Although, that is part of the relationship and your role, it is not your most important role. A relationship can’t be based on protection alone. Just remember, if you’re always her ultimate protection, but you don’t allow her to fail or be hurt; how in the world will she ever stand alone as a strong independent person? Strong independent women aren’t created by their mothers alone, but by equally strong, mature and caring fathers. All to often, the ‘protection racket’ isn’t for the protection of the daughter, but becomes the selfishness on the part of the father. It’s his resistance to change and an unhealthy dependence on his role as ‘the protector’. These fathers keep their daughters as children and don’t allow the daughter to grow into a fully capable human being.

As the father, you have a role and duty to cultivate her mind and curiosity. If you’re capable, teach her about traditional ‘male things’ like mechanics and how things work. Show her how to safely use tools and let her experiment with taking things apart, putting things back together, and building things. Show her and teach her that math and science aren’t just a ‘boy thing’ and set expectations for her to achieve and understand that aspect of being human.

Men are accused of being just ‘problem solvers’, ignoring the emotional aspect of adversity and hardship in favor of getting things done. Yes, of course teach her, using the traditional male approach problem solving skills, but also learn and to know when to shut up, when to listen and just be there without attempting to take over and solve the problem. It’s your role to also show her tenderness, empathy and concern without trying to always fix things for her. Never, ever assume that just because she is a girl, that she isn’t strong enough or wise enough to handle things on her own. One of the most difficult things for a father to learn is when to step in and when to just listen. Let her ask for help when she needs it and don’t just automatically assume she either wants it or needs it until she asks. If you have done your parenting well enough, then she will be comfortable enough to ask when she needs it.

Because, as men, our natural tendency is to protect, don’t be too easy on your daughters. Put realistic expectations on them. Expect them to perform well in educational and career pursuits and never say to them to not try something because she’s a girl. Also, don’t fail to confront her behavior and decisions when needed. Don’t let her get away from taking responsibility by being cute, cuddly, and acting vulnerable. Learn the difference between what’s a reality and a ‘scam’. Remember, your relationship with her becomes the guide for all of her future non related male relationships. She needs to understand that using her femininity to manipulate males is not OK.

Learn to accept her as she is at each stage of her development; emotionally, intellectually and physically. Whether you like it or not she will mature into a woman. You will have to accept that she will attract male attention. It is important that she feels beautiful, smart and attractive. When she experiments with costuming, don’t be too critical. Gently give her feedback on how she could do it better. Stay away from descriptive terms that are demeaning. Let her know that she can be attractive without going over the top. Also let her know that in your opinion, no man will ever be good enough for her, but when she chooses, that you trust her judgment. If it doesn’t work out, be available to console her and never say “I told you so”! Let her know that learning to be in relationships is like learning to ride a bike. To be a good bike rider you need to practice and try over and over until you get it right. I like the contemporary metaphor “you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you finally find a prince”.

Be prepared, just like other young women, to one extent or another, she is going to experiment with alternative lifestyles, drugs, alcohol and sexual expression. If you and her mother have done it right, then she’ll safely test the boundaries, deciding what fits her best. Even if she pushes to far outside the boundary; make sure she has a ‘lifeline’ back and knows about it. You can love her, but not the behavior.

Always remember, that your relationship with your wife or significant other sets the standard of expectation for your daughter. If your spousal relationship is built on respect, trust, equality and mutual love, then your daughter will most likely try to emulate that same type of relationship with her eventual significant other.

Never get in the middle of conflicts between your daughter and her mother. In this, you must be supportive of both your wife and daughter. When you advise and provide feedback to either, do it gently and think about the consequences of your input before giving it. In the development of most mother – daughter relationships it can best be described as a ‘bumpy road’. Nothing is forever and things will change. Taking sides can have a lasting impact on your relationship with both. Always keep in the back of your mind that your daughter will always be your daughter no matter what. And, you and your significant other (her mother) must choose to continue your relationship. In short, don’t let your daughter’s angst destroy your own happiness and well being just because she’s mad at her mother.

My final observation has to do with trigger words. Never call your daughter a ‘girl’ when she is a woman. If she is a good driver, never compliment her by telling her she ‘drives like a man’. If she seems ‘out of sorts’ or is having a bad day and might be ‘snapping’ at people; never make statements like: “Is it that time of the month”? or “Are you PMSing?” If you do, then you’ll probably be on the receiving end of a well deserved “chewing out”. Sharing opinions about her style choices, hair color, etc, must be done with discretion and forethought Always try to use the “compliment sandwich” when giving feedback. The power that you have with your daughter can boost her up or crush her completely, such is that power. Daddy – Daughter relationships are special, and should be cherished and nurtured.