Assume Positive Intentions

A very wise educator introduced me to this concept a few years ago, and it has stuck with me ever since. (Thank you, Mark Murphy!) "Assume positive intentions" is one of those things that is so much easier said than done, or great in theory, but...

It's easy to assume someone has positive intentions when we agree with them, or even when they are making a rational, credible argument that we don't buy into. It's also something we can grasp when the action taken doesn't affect us directly. How willing we are to put ourselves in someone else's shoes when they aren't advancing towards us. But when an idiot (sorry) makes a stupid move (oops) while driving that almost kills me (okay, I'm exaggerating) how can I possibly give him the benefit of the doubt? Assume this, you @&#%>! (Deep Breath) Yes, I guess I've made the occasional driving mistake myself, and I'm no @&#%>! So could that driver have been a decent person with a brief judgment lapse? Maybe he just lost his job, or found out his teenage daughter is pregnant, or couldn't sleep last night because of newborn twins. Or it could be he is a stupid @&#%>! But, why are we so quick to jump to this choice?

We tend to walk around thinking everything is about us, and our guard is up against any slights or injustices we perceive all too frequently. So of course our first reaction is defense instead of common sense; our natural assumption is competition, not compassion.

Let's examine a few scenarios.

The woman behind the checkout counter at Pick 'n Save — gosh, is she slow. Oh great, does she really have to comment about the magazine I picked, or the new hummus/cracker combo I am buying? I just want to be out of here. Or, maybe she is a genuinely nice person who is encouraged by her bosses to be pleasant and engaging making their customers feel welcome. She is still ringing things up while talking to me, and even if it adds a second or two, don't I really have that time to spare?

My colleague who compliments me on my blazer and asks me where I got it, do I detect a little superiority in her tone? She always dresses so well, does she think my jacket looks cheap? Or, could she actually like it? Is she just being nice? Why can't I go there first?

My boss who stops in to observe my classroom, what is he trying to catch? Does he think I am doing something wrong, that I should be able to prevent the back-talking of the student in the third row? Or maybe, he is genuinely interested in how I am teaching, wants to be aware of all the good that is going on in the school, and be prepared to support, not punish any problems he sees. What a concept! 

My spouse, when he picked that ugly piece of jewelry for our anniversary. How could he be so stupid not to know I hate anything with hearts? Or, don't hearts symbolize love? Okay, so he forgot my particular (ridiculous?) aversion to them, maybe he just wants to show me he loves me, and this way does make sense to most people. Can't I give him this one? Assume his intentions are good and wear the darn thing with pride?

Next time you're in Pick 'n Save, look for me. I'll be the one with the heart necklace chatting up the checkout girl in my awesome new blazer assuming that all those displays crowding up the aisles are really there to help me make good choices. Oh, and in my pocket — a copy of the e-mail from my boss telling me what a great job I'm doing. Now if that @&#%>! in the parking lot would just look where he's going!!!